


The Things That Began At Christmas

by pleaseletmetouchyourbutt



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Everyone You Love Dies, F/M, I'm Sorry, My First Work in This Fandom, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-29
Updated: 2013-09-23
Packaged: 2017-11-27 10:36:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/661004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleaseletmetouchyourbutt/pseuds/pleaseletmetouchyourbutt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>**DISCLAIMER**</p><p>This story has been abandoned!! I'm not going to delete it because I like being able to see how I've improved and there may (or may not) be people that wish to come and reread it. However, it will NEVER be updated. I am currently working on a new Marauders era fic that will hopefully be far better, but it will share some of the same (ish) scenes and themes, so stay tuned for that if you'd like! </p><p>- pleaseletmetouchyourbutt</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

Lily Evans was the only student in the library. She sat at a secluded back table, by the windows overlooking the snow-covered school grounds. If she looked through the old, warped glass, she could see the lake and the Quidditch pitch, the beginnings of the Forbidden Forest off to the right and the sloping hills that hid the castle from view. But, she wasn't looking out the window, instead she had her nose buried between the pages of a book, a long scroll of half-full parchment in front of her and a quill poised in the fingers of her right hand.

If it had been in the middle of exam season, or the beginning of term, Lily would have expected the large oval room to be full to capacity, but because it was the first day of Christmas holidays, she wasn't surprised at the lack of students. Her father was vacationing in Paris over Christmas and Lily had decided she didn't want to burden him with the cost of another traveller. He insisted that he had planned for her to come along, but she didn't feel right about it, especially because he hadn't had a private trip since her mother died when she was eleven.

Lily crossed several t's and dotted her i's, then dropped her quill into the pot of ink. She sighed heavily, falling back in her chair and letting her head fall back, her hair tumbling down the back of the chair. She let her mind wander away from her essay on werewolves and animagi, instead thinking of drinking a warm Butterbeer down in the Three Broomsticks with a thick book that had nothing to do with school.

Lily leaned forwards and pulled the essay towards her, gingerly rolling it up. She screwed the top onto the ink bottle and dropped it, her essay and the quill down into the depths of her bag. Shoving her chair back, she stood and moved around the table to where her little corner opened up the main section of the library. The elderly, severe looking librarian glared at her as she moved swiftly for the door, bursting out into the empty corridor and spinning on her heel. Her hair twirled out on either side of her face and she let out a young, girlish giggle, heading for the Gryffindor common room.

She was expecting it to be deserted and was more than a little bit disappointed when she scrambled through the portrait hole to find three boys lounging in front of the roaring fire. Two of the boys she could tolerate, even call friends. The last boy however, she was openly and intensely undecided about. She didn't hate him, even though she was often seen screaming at his smirking figure,but she didn't adore him, that much was easy enough to decipher.

They all looked up when she entered, each showing various- albeit predictable- responses. Remus Lupin simply smiled at her, lifting his hand in a wave while Sirius Black clicked his tongue and said, "Lookie who it is, Prongsie." James Potter smiled his arrogant half-smile at her and said, "Hey, Evans. Now, why don't you look happy to see me?"

"Oh, shove off, Potter," Lily sneered in his direction, more than a little annoyed that they had interrupted her would-be peaceful afternoon. Alone. In the common room. And her favourite seat was the exact chair James was lounging in, his tailbone precariously close to the edge, his long legs stretched out in front of him, his knees spread.

"Ooh, grouchy," Sirius teased, his eyes lighting up, "Come and sit with us, Evans, we're about to play some Exploding Snap."

"Not my favourite if you remember, Black." Lily sent him a glare, too, effectively reminding the boys about an instance when one card caught fire. It would have burnt right through Lily's school blouse if James hadn't thrown his goblet of pumpkin juice all over her. She appreciated him attempting to save her from a few nasty burns, but the white shirt had gone immediately translucent, showing off the only mildly "sexy" bra she owned.

"Do you still wear that bra?" Sirius waggled his eyebrows in the redhead's direction, only to receive a sharp blow to the back of his head, "Oi! What the hell, mate?"

"There's a difference between teasing and being an ass, Padfoot." James scolded, then flicked his eyes up to Lily, "Do you, though?"

Lily let out an exasperated groan, crossing the common room and ascending the staircase that led to the girl's dormitory. She pushed open the door, revealing the extremely empty room where she slept. Marlene, Mary, Alice and Hestia had all gone home for the holidays, taking the majority of their things with them. The beds were made and no clothing littered the floor, there were no hairbrushes or bags of makeup covering bedside tables and the trunks from the ends of their beds were gone. They had been gone when Lily had woken up earlier that morning, all of them leaving good-bye notes on their pillows, and promises to write.

Lily dropped her bag on her bed, then moved down to her trunk. She shoved open the lid and bent down, digging through it until she found her thick Gryffindor scarf. She wrapped it around her neck, pulling her hair from where it stuck to her neck and then tugged her black wool coat from underneath a pile of school robes. She tugged it on, over her long sleeved black shirt and then snatched her tall boots from underneath the bed.

She sat down, pulling off her flat soled school shoes and tugging the boots up to where they clung to her calves. She stood, grabbing her small coin purse, copy of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen and heading out the door, back down the stairs to the common room. She heard the sounds of Exploding Snap before she even reached the room, but it was just her luck that one card would, indeed, explode, when she entered it.

She shrieked as a flaming card ricocheted off of Remus' chest and flung towards her face. She ducked, letting it hit the wall behind her and drop to the ground, where it continued to sizzle and spark. She pulled her wand from the pocket of her jeans and pointed it at the offending projectile, officially silencing it.

"Where are you headed, Lily?" Remus asked, getting up from his spot on the couch to retrieve the fallen card.

"Hogsmeade," She answered, "Butterbeer."

"Ah," Sirius chuckled, "Going to get wasted? Can I come?"

Lily narrowed her eyes at the boy across the room, who simply continued to roar with laughter, "No. You can't."

"Ignore him," Remus fake whispered, "He's being especially annoying tonight." He glanced down at her book, "What's that?"

"Pride and Prejudice," She answered, holding it up so he could see the cover, "Muggle book."

"I know," He said, "I think my mum's read it. Good?"

Lily shrugged, "A bit sappy, but it's alright. Alice insisted I read it."

"If you're done talking romance novels..." James called from his chair, Lily's chair.

"Shut up, Potter," Lily snapped, then turned to Remus, "Well, I'm off. See you later, Remus." She moved around him, nodding to the other two Marauders, "Boys."

"Evans." James returned the nod, a smile forming on his face as he watched her head for the portrait hole.

"Sticky eyes, Potter?" Lily taunted, lifting an eyebrow and climbing out into the corridor. As the door swung shut again she heard him yell, "Only for you, Evans!"

She rolled her eyes, forever confused and annoyed and all around bothered by James Potter, with his always messy hair and deep voice, that insufferably cocky grin and the comments that were both incessantly suggestive but slightly needy.

The trip from her common room to the main entrance was a short one, and soon she was through the doors and heading down the snowy, cold path to Hogsmeade. The closer she got to the village, the busier the road became. It was no longer a solitary walk, the path was now filled with witches and wizards, young and old, moving to or from the village. She was nearly knocked over by a very drunk man who then yelled loudly in her face. She had to dodge a tiny witch carrying a mountain of boxes and nearly stepped on a black cat carrying a package on its back.

Only when the herd of people thinned and she was the only person travelling towards town did she feel the eyes boring holes in her back. She stopped, looking back over her shoulder only to find that no one was there. She shook her head sharply, continuing on, passing the directional sign that pointed newcomers to the castle, Hogsmeade and another neighbouring town.

She stopped again, not able to shake the feeling that someone was watching her. She decided to ignore it, clutching her book to her chest and crossing the snow covered street. She shouldered open the heavy wooden door and stepped into the warmth of the Three Broomsticks.

Lily deftly made her way across the crowded pub, sliding into a corner booth and pulling her jacket off. She unwound her scarf from around her neck and shoved it against the wall, leaning back and opening her book.

Suddenly, a shadow was cast over her table and Lily looked up, only to find that James Potter was standing across from her, his invisibility cloak draped over one arm, his hair mussed and his winter jacket hanging open.

"You followed me, didn't you?" Lily snapped, remembering the non-existent eyes at her back.

James smirked and dragged a chair to the other side of the table, spinning it around and straddling it. He yanked off his coat and dropped both it and the cloak down onto the floor by his feet. He left his scarf on, hanging loosely around his neck, the ends touching his knees.

"You're a fast walker, Evans," He laughed, "I almost lost you a couple of times, but grabbed your coat."

"Of course you did," Lily narrowed her eyes at him, but couldn't hold the glare for long. She broke her composure by smiling at him, "What can I do for you, Potter?"

"Well, you could buy me a Butterbeer," He said, "Or maybe a treacle tart?"

"You're the rich boy," Lily reminded him, "Shouldn't you be buying me hot beverages and pastries?"

"Touche," James pointed one long finger at her, then raised his hand at the bartender, "Butterbeer and treacle tart?"

"How many, Potter?" The busty woman yelled back, reaching for the large glasses.

"Two of both, please," James turned back to Lily, smirking, "Better?"

"Much," Lily allowed herself a wisp of a laugh, "So, why the need to follow me?"

James shrugged, "A lot of stuff has been going down here lately, no one should be alone." He glanced away, running one hand through his hair and tugging absently on a stubborn lock at the back of his head, the one that always stood straight up.

"What stuff?" Lily asked, snapping her book shut and setting it on her lap. She leaned forwards, placing her forearms on the tabletop and winding her fingers together.

He looked back at her, "You haven't heard? About the deaths, those marks left everywhere?"

"What?" Lily breathed, "Deaths? I haven't... I haven't heard anything."

"There have been five deaths in the past week," James told her, "All Muggle-borns. All in the middle of the night." He paused and glanced behind his shoulder, "They think it's Death Eaters."

"Death Eaters?" Lily asked, incredulous, "They're not real. It's all rubbish, isn't it?"

James shrugged, "I don't know anymore," He pulled at his hair again, "Whoever it is they leave marks hovering in the sky above the houses they attack. A skull with a wriggling snake emerging from its mouth."

"Oh my God," Lily said, looking down at the table, "That's awful, why isn't there anything about it in the papers?"

"The Minister wants to hush it all up," James told her, "I only know because my Dad told me. Sent me a letter saying that I wasn't to go into Hogsmeade alone." She glanced up at him as he continued, "That's why, when you said you were leaving, I had to follow. Don't want you getting hurt." He smirked at her then, "Who else would I ogle during classes?"

Lily rolled her eyes, scoffing, but couldn't keep from letting out a giggle, "You're impossible. One minute I want to deck you, the next we're having an intelligent conversation and then you ruin it by being a typical teenage boy."

"What do you want me to be?" He asked, "A typical middle-aged man?"

"How about a typical teenage boy with some self-control?" Lily suggested, glancing over his shoulder as a tall, wiry boy manoeuvred around the table across from theirs, holding a tray of food and drinks.

"No such thing," James teased as the man bent down to place two hot mugs of Butterbeer in front of them, followed by two plates filled with treacle tart.

Lily pulled one steaming mug towards her and smiled over the mountain of whipped cream at James, "Thanks."

James nodded, "You insisted." He dipped his finger into the top of his Butterbeer, stirring the whipped cream in with the frothy drink, "So, can I officially tell everyone we went on a date?"

Lily's eyes narrowed again, "No. You can tell everyone that you followed me like a creep and forced me to have Butterbeer with you."

"You didn't seem too upset when I agreed to pay," James smirked, sucking the drops of liquid off of his finger.

Lily laughed then, shaking her head, "Not a date, Potter. Not even close."

"How is this not a date?" He protested, "We're two people who are clearly interested in each other, sharing hot beverages, eating pastries and having intelligent conversation."

Lily raised an eyebrow, "'Clearly interested in each other?'"

James nodded, "Even if you won't come out and say you like me, it's obvious I perplex you."

"You confuse the hell out me," Lily snapped, "You're rude and arrogant and completely stupid." James' eyebrows drew together and he dropped his gaze to his plate of treacle tarts, "But you can also be sweet and kind and you're very smart." He look up again, a smile covering his face. It wasn't a typical James smile, either, it was wide and stretched from ear to ear. It wasn't cocky or smug, it was radiant and made him look like a child.

"That's better than nothing," He joked, "So, you don't hate me anymore?"

"I never... hated you," Lily said slowly, "You annoyed me. You... made me angrier than I've ever been. But, I wouldn't say I hated you. I had an extreme dislike for you, but it's since dissolved into mere..." She trailed off, unsure of what to say, "I don't know how I feel about you."

James smiled and pulled a tart from the plate and promptly shoved the entire thing into his mouth. He looked at Lily with wide eyes and lifted both hands, giving her a thumbs up. She rolled her eyes, covering her mouth with her hand and beginning to laugh. She watched as he struggled to chew and swallow, but when he had managed it she said, "You're disgusting."

"You love it," He chuckled, taking a swig of his Butterbeer, "So, Evans, why're you here on holidays?"

"My dad's in Paris," Lily answered, pulling a tart towards her and breaking off a piece, "I didn't want to butt in on his vacation and decided to stay here."

"But, I mean, you've got a sister, right?" James asked, "Doesn't she want to see you?"

"Tuney wants nothing to do with me," Lily sighed heavily, remembering the mid-summer screaming match that had ensued when Petunia's very Muggle boyfriend visited.

"Why?"James asked, "What would make someone push away their only sibling?"

"It's a long story I'd rather not tell at the moment," Lily answered, "Sorry."

"S'alright," He paused, "So, you really haven't heard anything about the murders?"

And in that moment, Lily could have kissed him. James Potter had a reputation for being nosey and painfully curious when it came to her personal life and she could almost hear him struggling to not ask. But, he didn't, and he also effectively changed the subject.

Lily smiled at the table and then looked up at him, "No. They were all just found dead? With those marks hanging above their houses?"

James nodded, "Yeah, that's not even the weird bit though," He leaned across the table at her, "All of the physical evidence points to wizards and witches who are long dead."

"What?" Lily asked, "Dead people can't commit murder."

"That's what the Ministry is saying," James agreed, taking another long sip of his Butterbeer, "They can't figure it out. No one can."

"Are people using Polyjuice maybe?" Lily suggested, "Turning themselves into dead wizards and then leaving fingerprints everywhere to throw the Aurors off their trail?"

James shrugged, "It's possible, but there's no sign of disturbance or digging at their grave sites."

Lily stared down into her now half empty cup of Butterbeer, "They do think it's Death Eaters, then?"

James nodded, "Because of the marks. I mean, it's their symbol."

Lily shook her head, "But, I mean, they've never really done anything. They're just talk aren't they? Some stupid group trying to scare people?"

"No one's really sure anymore," James told her, "I mean, anyone that's claimed to be a Death Eater when brought into the Ministry, has those marks on their arms. They say it calls the Dark Lord to them."

Lily let out a long breath, "The Dark Lord, isn't he just some young guy? How could he rally up that many followers?"

"I don't know," James admitted, "No one really does, but he's getting stronger. Apparently there are thousands of Death Eaters, all around the world."

Lily stared at her glass, only to see that frost was forming on it, creeping down the edges and onto the table. She wrapped her arms around herself, goosebumps erupting up her arms and across her chest.

"Oh God," She heard James say and looked up to see him shivering as hard as she was, "Dementors."

"That explains the hollow feeling in my chest," Lily said weakly, trying to ignore the aching despair that threatened to swallow her whole. Suddenly, she could only think of Petunia screaming in her face, telling her that she was a freak, that no one would ever love her.

She shook her head, reaching back and pulling her wand from her coat pocket. She clutched it, jumping slightly as the bells above the Three Broomsticks door rang. She looked over, only to see a whole hoard of dark, cloaked figures gliding into the pub.

She jumped to her feet, as did James and a handful of other people. They all raised their wands, cautious as the creatures swept past, clearly on a mission for something. When they reached James and Lily's table they stopped, turning and staring blankly at them from underneath the hoods. Lily was glad that she couldn't see through the blackness beneath the fabric, not wanting to witness the horror that surely lay within.

Two of them turned and hovered over James, hissing and gasping. James' wand hand began to shake, and with the other he gripped the back of his chair, his legs bending as if he was about to fall.

"You have no business with him," Lily said, her voice surprisingly strong. She raised her wand, focusing on childhood memories at her lake house, of Marlene and Alice spilling Firewhiskey on their bedspreads, of her father lifting her onto his shoulders, "Expecto Patronum." Her voice was quiet, but she didn't need to shout. Immediately wisps of white burst from the tip of her wand, forming into a glowing, ethereal doe. It charged, gracefully leaping over the table and slamming its small body into the closest Dementor.

The creatures started to shriek and wail, backing up towards the door. She heard several other shouts and soon a roaring lion, a rearing stallion and a cooing dove joined her doe in sending the Dementors packing. When they were gone, she looked to James, who was huddled in his chair, gasping for breath. He was pale and sweaty, his wand lying forgotten on the table.

Lily hurried around to him, bending in front of him and catching his face in her hands, "James?"

His eyes were unfocused, but when she called his name they snapped to hers, "Lily. Lily, your patronus is a doe."

She just stared at him for a moment, "Yes, but-" She stopped, shaking her head, "Are you alright?"

He nodded slowly, reaching out a hand and smoothing her hair from her face, "Thanks, Evans."

"You're welcome," She answered, letting him go and quickly standing. She looked to barmaid, "Chocolate?"

With a monotone expression the woman nodded, "For everyone, I think."

"Why were they even here?" Lily asked, looking around at the other shivering patrons.

"Looking for Death Eaters I expect," Said a bright looking young man, "What with all the murders."

"That's a load of rubbish!" A plump woman roared from the other end of the room, "It's not bloody Death Eaters. They're nothin' to worry 'bout!" An argument soon broke out and Lily quickly back into her seat, not wanting to get in the middle.

Soon, everyone was warm again, sipping fresh Butterbeer and hungrily devouring whole bars of Honeydukes chocolate. James stared at her, watching intently and taking small bites of his own bar.

"What?" Lily asked, after a few silent moments between them.

"Your patronus is a doe," He sighed, "A doe."

Lily rolled her eyes, "So you've said. What does it matter?"

James just shook his head, muttering, "A doe!" to himself.

When she had finished both her Butterbeer and her chocolate, Lily stood, winding her scarf around her neck as she did so, "I'm off, James."

He looked up, "Not waiting for me?"

Lily laughed, pulling on her coat, "I figured you'd stay here and get properly drunk."

James actually looked surprised, his eyebrows disappearing under his messy hair, "No, I had no plans to. Why would you think that?"

"You just seem like the type of person who doesn't like to properly deal with things," Lily told him, "I figured you'd get wasted, forget about the Dementors and then stumble back into the castle tomorrow morning."

James shook his head, "I only have plans to eat more than I should at the feast and sleep for twenty four hours." He followed her example by standing and putting on his jacket, "Mind if I walk up with you?"

She shrugged, "You're either going to walk with me or," She pointed to the invisibility cloak now draped over his arm, "Follow me in that. At least if you're walking with me I'll have someone to talk to."

He led the way to the door, after leaving a few Galleons on the table. He held it open for her and she smiled at him, "Thanks."

"I am a gentleman, you know," He told her as they pushed out into the street, heading back towards the castle.

"Of course you are," Lily rolled her eyes at him, "You are the king of all gentlemen."

"Is that sarcasm I hear?" James joked as they began climbing the hill towards the near empty path to Hogwarts, "Are you doubting my gentleman status?"

"I'm always judging your gentleman status, Potter," Lily shook her head, "Sirius has more manners than you do sometimes."

James fake-gasped, "You take that back!"

Lily tipped back her head, laughing, "Never. Besides, when have you ever been a gentleman in the public eye?"

"Um," James paused, "I just held the door open for you..." He trailed off, running his hand back through his hair.

"That doesn't count," Lily answered, "Any other time than that. It doesn't even have to be to me. Name three times you were a gentleman where everyone could see you."

She dodged around a petite witch carrying several shiny handbags and then they were alone, the only ones headed up to the school.

"I don't know," James muttered, "So what if I'm not a 'public' gentleman? Maybe I really am the king of... gentlemanliness, but in private."

"Gentlemanliness isn't a word, Potter," Lily reminded him, turning and peering up at him through her wall of red hair. The wind was picking it up and spreading it everywhere, across her shoulders, in front of her eyes, it was even trailing behind her like some sort of kite.

"Regardless," James protested, "Why do things have to be public to mean something?"

"They don't," Lily said, "It's just, when you only do things in secret, people start to think you're embarrassed of a certain trait or just don't possess it."

"You really think I'm rude?" James asked, "Just because I don't rush to open doors or pull out chairs?"

"I never said that," Lily groaned, "I'm just saying that you've never been a consistently nice guy. You seem to think that no one will respect you unless you're teasing first years or making fun of someone. When you're not doing that you're strutting about as if you're God's gift to women, and on the off occasions that you're not doing either of those things, you're a nice guy."

"I'm always nice to you!" James insisted, "I'm always, always nice to you."

Lily sighed, pushing her hair away from her eyes and stopping. He stopped too, towering over her, stooping slightly so he could look her in the face.

"Sure," Lily shrugged, "Only because you want to shag me!"

"That's not the reason!" He snapped back, "You're nice to everyone, Lily. It's only fair that I'm nice to you."

Lily sighed heavily, "That shouldn't be your reasoning for being nice to someone! You should be nice to people because it's right! It's not fair to wander about, being rude to people who've done nothing to you. Making fun of first years just because they're not as confident as you are!"

"You're no saint!" He sneered, "You think you're so perfect! Telling me how to act and what I should and shouldn't say! You and your friends, you're like some sort of elite club! And, whenever someone else wants to join, they're put on a lower rung than the originals!"

"You're one to talk!" Lily shouted, pushing him away, out of her personal bubble, "Says the ringleader of a little group that doesn't even make other friends!" She threw her hands up, "You know what, Potter? This is why I always reject you! Because you're insufferable!" She spun on her heel, stalking up towards the castle and not turning back. She pushed through the front doors, not bothering to shake any snow off of herself at all, simply taking a sharp turn and going straight to the common room.

She snapped the password at the Fat Lady and the painting didn't even respond, merely swung open, muttering to herself. Lily stepped through, her hands balled into fists and her teeth pressed together dangerously hard.

"Hey there, Red!" Sirius called as she walked in, "How was-"

Lily whipped her wand from her pocket, cutting Black off and standing in front of where he sat on the couch. She pointed the tip in his face, "Say one more word and I'll hex you into next week. Then, I'll jinx your balls off, got it?"

Wordlessly, Sirius nodded, his eyes wide and his hands gripping the cushion underneath him. She turned, moving around Remus, who was standing there with his hands up in a show of surrender.

She nearly ran up the stairs, slamming her dormitory door shut behind her and screaming. She threw her wand onto her bed and tore off her jacket and scarf. She left them on the floor and dropped down onto her bed. She buried her face in her pillow, screaming as loud as she could and pulling at her hair.

Lily spent the next while just lying in her bed, staring angrily up at the ceiling. When time for dinner did come she didn't even bother getting out of bed. Even when Remus knocked on her door, insisting that she needed to eat something. She had the urge to yell at him through the wood, but she knew that Remus wasn't Potter, he was just trying to make sure she didn't die of starvation.

Eventually he gave up and went back downstairs and Lily remained in her bed, mulling over what James had said. He was wrong, she didn't think she was perfect and she knew she wasn't a saint. She didn't think that she and her friends were exclusive though. Sure, sometimes Marlene could be snarky with new people, but they never denied someone access to their table or shunned someone they didn't necessarily know.

She rolled over, reaching down to where her bag lay on the floor and pulling out her watch. It was almost nine o'clock and she still hadn't eaten anything. With a heavy sigh she pulled herself out of bed and and went to the door. She opened it slowly, listening carefully to try and see if anyone was downstairs.

She heard laughter and knew immediately that the boys were still dominating the space. She clenched her teeth and moved into the hallway, a coward she was not. This will be easy, she told herself, I'll just walk past and ignore him. I'll tell him off if he speaks to me. Easy peasey. C'mon, Evans, it's only Potter. Only stupid, bloody Potter.


	2. Chapter Two

Lily moved out into the hallway and trotted down the stairs. She paused near the bottom, just out of sight of anyone in the common room. She listened hard, heard Sirius' barking laugh, listened to Remus sigh and surely shake his head. Then, there it was, James' deep-in-the-throat almost-giggle.

She took a breath and moved down the steps and into the common room. All of them looked up as she entered, but she did well, not even glancing in their direction and making it out of the portrait hole with ease. She let out a sigh of relief as the door began to swing shut behind her, she was home free.

She glanced back over her shoulder, watching with horror as it stopped, half-way shut. It swung back open and James stepped through. He stopped when he saw her standing there, his eyes widened and he just stood there for a moment, awkwardly tugging at his hair.

"Hi," Lily said, watching as he stepped fully out into the corridor to let the door shut behind him.

"Uh," James paused, "Hey." He took a few steps towards her, "Look, I'm sorry, alright?"

"What?" Lily nearly barked, turning to face him, "You're... sorry?"

"Yeah," He broke eye contact, looking down at the floor, "I was asshole and I attacked you because I knew you were right."

"You, uh..." She broke off, "You did?"

"Yeah," He pressed his lips together, "I know I'm arrogant sometimes and that the pranks we play aren't the nicest, but it's who I am, Evans." He looked up, meeting her eyes, "It's just what I do, but-" He stopped, shook his head, "I'm not that bad, am I?"

Lily sighed, "No. Your pranks are generally funny, when no one gets hurt-"

He cut her off, "That's never our intention! It just happens sometimes!"

"I know," Lily said, "You can be an arrogant prick, but, you never want to hurt people."

"Oh, I want to hurt people," James laughed, "But only when they're being insufferable gits."

Lily laughed, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

"Are we cool, then?" James asked, "Because I didn't go down to dinner because I thought you would be there and I didn't want it to be awkward and now I'm fucking starving."

Lily laughed, "We're as cool as we've ever been, James," She paused, "I'm sorry, too. I could deal it out but wasn't ready to listen when you told me the same."

He nodded, "It's okay. Dinner, then?"

"Sure," Lily answered, "Is this the start of a friendship, Potter?"

James smiled, "I hope so."

Lily felt her cheeks heat up, and looked away, "Why?"

"Because if you refuse to date me, the least we can do is be friends," He said, as if it was the simplest thing in the world, "Besides, I like talking to you. You're funny and you always put me in my place. Other girls just twitter and bat their eyelashes, it gets annoying."

Lily started walking and he followed, coming to move beside her, "Really? I figured you'd revel in all the attention."

"I'm not complaining that I have my pick," He chuckled, "Just that when every girl just wants to shag and be able to say they're my girlfriend..." He trailed off, "It's tiring."

"I imagine so," Lily laughed, hopping quickly onto the top step of the closest staircase as it shuddered and began to move. James leaped on after her, grabbing the railing as the set of stairs shook and spun.

There was a comfortable silence then, as they continued down to the Great Hall, where food was still waiting on the tables when they entered.

They claimed two of the empty seats near the end of the Gryffindor table and Lily eagerly began piling food onto her shining golden plate.

"Honestly," James said a few moments later through a mouthful of chicken, "Food is the highlight of my day."

Lily nodded, "It's one of my high points, that's for sure."

James laughed, "What's number one, then?"

Lily paused, taking a drink of her pumpkin juice, "I'm not really sure," She dropped her eyes, "I think it varies from day to day."

"What was it today, then?" James asked, leaning forward on his elbows, "Favourite thing about today."

"Um," Lily sighed, flicking her eyes up to his face, politely interested, "I don't know. How about I tell you when I do?"

"I'll be expecting a three scroll essay on it by tomorrow afternoon," He said, pointing a finger at her, "Not a second later. No extensions, Miss Evans."

Lily laughed, "Okay, I promise." She pushed her empty plate away from her and stood, "Well, I'm done. See you in the common room?"

James hurriedly downed the last of his drink and scooped up a pumpkin pasty, "Nope, won't get rid of me that easily."

He trailed after her as she left, moving into the corridor and heading for the stairs. He caught up with her easily enough, his impossibly long legs taking one step where hers took three.

"So," James began, "The guys and I were going to play Gobstones. You can too, if you'd like."

Lily opened her mouth to spit back her usual rejection, but instead she bit it back and said, "Sure, that'd be fun."

"Cool," James smiled down at her, "I have to warn you though, I'm the best player you'll ever meet."

Lily snorted and rolled her eyes, "Oh, I'm sure."

They exchanged playful banter as they climbed the stairs and moved towards the common room. James said the password and the door swung open. He hung back, sweeping his arm dramatically in front of him to usher her through.

She couldn't help but laugh, hopping in and emerging into the warm, circular sitting room. Sirius was stretched out on the couch and Remus sat on the floor by the fire, a thick book in his lap. They both looked up when she entered and Remus offered a hesitant smile.

"So, you can stand each other again?" Sirius laughed, barely lifting his head from the armrest behind him.

"Oh yeah, Evans and I are tight now," James joked, popping up behind her and draping a heavy arm around her shoulders. She wriggled out from underneath him, crossing the room to claim her favourite armchair. She tucked her feet up underneath her and leaned back, only to see James wearing a horrified expression.

"Padfoot," James said quietly, "Padfoot, she's in my chair."

"You don't own the chair, Potter," Lily retorted, "I can sit wherever I please. Besides, this is where I always sit."

"Oh no," Remus dropped his head down, tilting his book so it hid his face, "Here we go."

"You don't get it, Ginger," Sirius sat up and leaned towards her, "James loses his shit if he can't sit in his chair."

Lily crossed her arms, "I'm not moving."

James bent face-first over the back of the couch and slowly slid down until he was awkwardly bent against the cushion, his long legs hanging over, he mumbled something against the fabric and when no one responded he lifted his head.

"No spot is as comfortable as that one!" He said, dropping his face back down again.

"He'll be insufferable all night," Remus groaned from behind his book, "Let him have it, Lily."

"No," Lily laughed, knowing she was being stubborn, "I sat down first. If you want the seat you'll have to move me."

As soon as she saw James flip up and tumble off the back of the couch, she knew she had said the wrong thing. She looked at Sirius, who looked as if he was highly looking forward to something. She turned her attention to Remus, who gave her an apologetic shrug, "You asked for it."

She looked back to James, who had popped up and moved around the side of the couch, "You did ask for it, Evans."

Lily clutched the arms of the chair, "Don't. You. Dare."

James smirked and then took a running leap over the coffee table, nearly knocking over the books and papers scattered there. Lily screamed, tossing herself over the side of the chair and out of sight. James cackled and followed her, coming around the side of the chair and scooping her up. He draped her over his shoulder and she promptly began pounding his back with her fists.

"Potter, if you don't put me down this instant-" She was cut short as James dropped her onto the couch where Sirius was sitting. She practically landed on Black's lap and he took immediate advantage of the situation. He wrapped both arms around her waist as she bounced on the cushion, pulling her onto his lap and grinning wolfishly down at her.

"Let me go," Lily snapped, pushing against his chest and attempting to wriggle away, "Sirius!"

"On second thought," James said from his newly acquired armchair, "You can have the chair, Lily."

Lily looked over at him in the middle of a punch into Sirius' chest, "You're just jealous that Black's got his hands all over me."

James nodded, a smile creeping onto his face, "Obviously."

Lily turned her face back to Sirius, "Let me go. Or I shall follow through with my previous threat. The one that involved the removal of your balls."

Sirius released her, stretching his arms above his head in a sign of surrender. She flopped off his lap and onto the cushion beside him. She flicked her eyes to James, "So, you promised me Gobstones."

"Ooh!" Sirius squealed, "My favourite!"

"Of course it is," Lily rolled her eyes, "The loser gets doused with nasty smelling liquid."

"I'm surprised you're willing to play, Evans," Sirius teased, "I figured a girl wouldn't be up to getting covered in slime."

"Oh," Lily chuckled, "I never lose."

"You'll give James a run for his money, then," Remus said, closing his book and standing up, "I'll go get the board and pieces."

He disappeared up the boys' stairs and Lily stretched her legs out, leaning back against the couch and tipping her head back.

"Tired?" James asked and she lifted her head to look at him, in the same position she was in only in "his chair."

She nodded, "I hope I'll be able to make it through the game without falling asleep."

"This is going to be the most exciting game of Gobstones you've ever had the misfortune of playing, Evans," He smirked at her and then looked excitedly over at the stairs as Remus reappeared, holding a light coloured box in both hands.

He set it in the middle of the table and folded himself down on the floor, "Ready everyone?"

It indeed was the most exciting game of Gobstones Lily had ever played. She had won, though, and was given the pleasure of watching James get squirted in the face with steaming, stinking orange liquid. She had retired to bed after that, sleeping heavily amidst her mess of blankets until the sun had woken her, streaming through the window and onto her bed.

Now, she was fully awake, having laid staring at the canvas of her four poster for half an hour, drifting in and out of a light doze. She pushed herself up, into a sitting position, and swung her blankets back, slithering out of bed and onto the floor. She stretched her arms above her head and moved over to her trunk, pulling out a pair of jeans and a dark blue sweater with a deep v-shaped neckline. Those, along with clean underclothes, were promptly shoved into her rucksack. She hefted the bag onto her bed, then pulled her shampoo, conditioner and soap from underneath a pile of parchment, dropping them in on top of her clothes. She was highly anticipating a long, hot bath in the Prefects tub as she slipped her feet into her black school shoes. She pulled her hair back into a ponytail and checked her reflection in the mirror. She was bare of any makeup and wisps of red hung down around her face, the few short hairs that refused to be secured. She shrugged, knowing that at this early hour none of the few students who remained at the school would be awake to see her anyways.

She moved to the door, pushing out into the empty corridor in her red pyjama pants and baggy Gryffindor t-shirt. She trotted down the stairs and into the empty common room, where a fire still roared in the hearth. The portrait swung open and she clambered out, into yet another empty hall. She veered to the right, walking swiftly to the very end, where a thick door kept any Non-Prefects out. The portrait hanging above the door was of a young man in Ravenclaw robes, stretched out on a bench with a book dangling from his fingertips. His eyes flickered open when Lily cleared her throat.

"Oh," He said, groggily, "Morning Ms. Evans."

"Morning George," She greeted, "Just going in for a bath."

The door swung open and the young man reclined back again, closing his eyes, "Have fun..."

Lily moved through the opening and let the door close behind her. She turned, sliding the lock into place. The Prefects bathroom was large, with several rows of taps ready to dispense obscene quantities of bubble bath. The tub itself was more of a swimming pool, with benches around the edges to sit. The taps were huge openings on the ends of massive tubes and always spat out water of the perfect temperature. Lily set her bag by the wall and opened one of the tall wooden cupboards, pulling out a towel and placing it on the floor by her things.

She stripped down, peeling off her pyjamas and leaving them in a messy heap by her towel. She pulled her wand from its near permanent position in the outside pocket of her rucksack and pointed it at the taps. They spun furiously, steaming water pouring out and beginning to fill the tub. Lily adjusted the angle of her wand, waving the tip in the direction of the bubble bath dispensers. They all groaned, and then turned on, colourful liquid spilling out and adding bubbles to the hot water beneath. She slid her wand back into her bag and waited by the edge of the tub for it to fill, shivering slightly. The castle was well protected from the elements but early in the morning, in rooms without fireplaces, it got quite cold in the dead of winter.

When the water was almost overflowing all of the taps turned off and Lily gratefully climbed into the water, hissing as it steamed and clung to her skin. She sucked in a mouthful of air and dunked herself under, wetting her entire body. She relaxed against the side of the tub, the ends of her hair dipping in the water, her head tilted back. Once she had soaked up enough heat, she quickly washed her hair and scrubbed all the remains of the previous day from her skin.

She lay there for awhile, floating in the hot water and simply relaxing. Then, with a few reluctant groans she pulled herself up and out of the tub. The water began to drain slowly and Lily quickly grabbed her towel, shivering violently as she wrapped it underneath her armpits and secured it above the swell of her breasts. She caught her reflection in one of the tall mirrors on the wall and caught herself wrinkling her nose in distaste.

Now, Lily Evans was not a particularly self-conscious girl, but she couldn't help thinking that maybe her hips were slightly too wide, her thighs a little too thick. Her smile was a little lopsided and she thought her breasts were too large. She turned away, pulling on her jeans and quickly dragging the straps of her bra onto her shoulders. Her sweater was slipped over her head and she cast the thoughts out of her head. She was content with herself, not overly enthusiastic but she didn't hate the way she looked and no one had ever complained to her before.

She ran her fingers through her clean, wet hair and cursed silently that she forgot her hairbrush. She stooped and slid her wand into her jeans pocket and then swung her bag over her shoulder, heading for the door. She slid the lock back and pushed out into the hallway.

"Evans?" James' voice echoed from behind her and she whirled around as the door swung shut, her wet hair flying in all directions, "Morning."

"Morning," Lily answered, "Early patrol?" He wore a pair of jeans, hanging on precariously to his hips, and a white button up school shirt.

James nodded, running his hands back through his already dishevelled hair, "No one's around so we don't really need to, but I was bored. Everyone's still in bed." His eyes ran over her face, bright and red from her bath, and her hair, still dripping down her back, "Nice bath?"

Lily inexplicably felt her cheeks flush and nodded, "Yes, it was, thank you."

James smiled, a slow easy one that covered most of his face, "Heading down to breakfast?"

"After I drop off my things," Lily began to step away from him, moving back towards the common room.

"I was about to head back, too," James shrugged, following her, "The guys'll probably be up now. We can all go down together."

"Sure," Lily answered and she felt an uncomfortable awkwardness descend upon them as they came closer and closer to the portrait hole.

James walked wordlessly beside her, his long legs easily keeping pace, his hands jammed in his pockets. She could feel his eyes on the side of her face, but she kept her gaze straight ahead, not wanting the awkward eye contact that would come if she turned her head.

"Evans?" James asked as the reached the Fat Lady, who was sleeping against her pillar.

Lily still didn't face him, only looked to the floor, "Yes?"

"You, um," He stopped, shuffled his feet, "You look pretty."

Lily's head shot up, "What?"

"You look pretty," James cleared his throat, his cheeks growing red, "Um," He paused, then turned to the Fat Lady, "Lemon toffee."

The woman sat up with a start and then the portrait swung open. James hurried inside, his head down, his hand pulling on the stubborn piece of hair at the back of his head. Lily followed, slowly, hearing a barking laugh echoing out from the common room. Sirius was up then, and then another, drier laugh erupted and Lily nodded to herself, Remus too it seemed.

She emerged into the common room and saw James, already stretched out in his chair and Remus, not sitting on the floor for once. He was lying on the couch, his long legs draped over the far arm and his hand dangling down onto the carpet.

"I'm hungry, Prongs," Sirius was complaining, "Can we go down to breakfast now?"

"Shut up, Sirius," Remus complained, "You're starting to sound like Pete."

"Well, he's off at his parents' for the holidays, so somebody needs to fill in." Black replied, then looked up from his spot near the fireplace, "Finally! Can we eat now Prongs?"

"What?" Lily asked, moving past them to the girls' stairs, "Were you not allowed to get breakfast until after you'd seen me?"

Sirius groaned loudly, "Last night he goes, 'we're going to eat with Evans tomorrow morning, guys. We have to wait for her.'"

Lily laughed, "Let me just put my things upstairs."

"We're not going to eat until New Years!" Sirius complained, throwing his hands over his face and placing his head on his knees.

"I'll be quick!" She laughed, bounding up the stairs and into her empty dorm room. She threw her bag across the room and onto her bed, where it bounced and rolled off the other side. She ignored it and took a quick look in the mirror, hanging above the dresser across from her bed.

Her hair was darker than usual and hung, still wet, down her back. The ends were starting to curl and her cheeks were flushed, her eyes bright. She wanted to put some powder on her face, maybe swipe some mascara onto her thin, white eyelashes, but she knew she didn't have time for that.

So, she turned and hurried back down the stairs, "Ready, then?"

"Oh, thank Merlin!" Sirius exclaimed leaping up and running for the portrait hole, "I thought I was going to waste away!"

Remus laughed, rolling off the couch and coming to walk beside her, "He is a bit of a drama queen, isn't he?"

"Normally," Lily agreed, letting her eyes trail over the side of his face. Hair-line scars covered his cheeks, and a few longer, deeper ones cut across his nose. He had had them since about third year, and she had never asked what they were from.

He caught her staring and his cheeks flushed, his head snapped away. Lily instantly felt horrible, she didn't have a problem with his scars. He was Remus no matter what and she didn't think a few marks made a difference.

"So, how's Herbology going?" He asked to fill the empty space, pausing and letting her through the portrait first.

Lily groaned, tipping her head back, "It's dreadful. Remus, I'm going to fail."

As they continued down the corridor, Remus took his place on her right side and James fell into step on her left. They were like two tall, skinny walls, protecting her from both sides.

When they all walked together, it generally worked like this. Sirius ahead of them all, complaining about how slow they were and Remus and James would block her in between them. The only thing missing was Peter, who normally walked slowly along behind them, snickering at any joke that was told and being as quiet as a mouse. Granted, Lily didn't often allow herself to stand in James Potter's company for extended periods of time, so those memories were few and far in between.

Lily cast a sideways glance at first Remus, then James. This was not the James she was accustomed to. She was used to half-smirks and waves from across a classroom or the Great Hall. She distinctly remembered younger, first year versions of themselves sitting in a classroom while James pulled on the ends of her hair, trailing on the top of his desk. She definitely wasn't used to the James that laughed loudly and fully, that smiled without a smug gleam in his eye and wasn't asking her on a date every few moments.

She wasn't sure what had happened to him, if anything at all. If she was being truthful she had never paid a lot of attention to James, if only to groan and complain about his attitude or snark-filled comments. Lily, for a moment, let herself think that maybe James wasn't all bad. That maybe he could be sweet and funny, instead of smug and arrogant.

"So, Evans," He said, snapping her out of their thoughts, "When am I taking you to Hogsmeade?"

And there it was, Lily thought, the peaceful break in his normal attitude was over. He was back.

Lily rolled her eyes and looked to Remus, "Are you sure he doesn't have bio-polar? I swear, a moment ago we were all able to have a normal conversation. But, now he's back to asking me out."

Remus laughed, "No one can have a normal conversation with James," He paused, "Especially not you."

Beside her, James was laughing, his hands deep in the pocket of his jeans, "It's too easy to get you all worked up! It's amazing!"

"Bugger off, Potter," Lily snapped, lengthening her strides to pull ahead of him. Unfortunately, though, James had the longest legs in the history of Hogwarts and easily kept up with her.

She ignored him, stony silence falling like a dead weight in between them even when Remus attempted conversation.

As they neared the Great Hall, the sound of conversation floated out to them and Sirius, who had rounded the corner before the others, was stopped in the doorway, his arms crossed.

"The hall is filled with snakes," He groaned over his shoulder to James, "It looks like half of Slytherin house decided to stay for the holidays."

"That's fan-bloody-tastic," James replied, tugging at his hair and coming to stand behind Sirius.

"It doesn't have to be a conflict," Lily snapped, "Just go in and eat. It's as simple as ignoring them. Trust me, I do it to you all the time."

She brushed past them, Remus close behind her, and crossed the hall as silence fell at the Slytherin table. There was a handful of Ravenclaws and only three Hufflepuffs dining, while the Slytherin table boasted about fifteen students.

She waved at a third year Hufflepuff she had tutored in Charms and slid down the Gryffindor bench, watching as food appeared on all of the shining golden plates. Remus followed her, quickly followed by Sirius, taking the spot beside him. James walked around his two friends and took up a spot on Lily's other side.

He was almost fully seated, one leg over the bench and the other free on the outside, towards the Ravenclaw and Slytherin tables. Lily allowed herself a victory smile, for the non-confrontational trip across the Great Hall for breakfast. By this point in the morning she normally would have seen James and Sirius in at least two fights, with Remus and Peter on the outskirts, trying to break it apart. But, then, the catcall echoed across the room, which had begun to fill with noise again.

"Hey Potter! I didn't know you and Evans got along!" Evan Rosier. Lily braced herself for the remainder of the jab, "I didn't figure you for a guy to take someone else's sloppy seconds."

That caused even Lily to grind her teeth together, but she shot her hand out, wrapping it around James' forearm and glaring up at him, "Sit. Down."

He looked down at her, "Did you hear him?" He nearly growled, "I'm not going to let some asshole talk about you like that."

"I appreciate the sentiment, Potter," Lily snapped, "But it was about me and I don't even care. Neither should you."

"Of course I bloody care," He snapped, "Now let me go."

"You should listen to the mudblood," Rosier continued, "You don't want her to see me beat your sorry ass, do you?"

"James," Lily said, tugging on him as he unwound his trapped leg from behind the bench, "James," She repeated, louder.

"I don't think your dead mummy would like that, would she?" Rosier cackled, along with the entirety of his house table.

At that James deflated, his arm going limp in Lily's hand. At that Lily's temper rose, as did that of Remus and Sirius.

She spun, swinging her legs out of the bench seat and standing. Lily had her wand out of her pocket faster than both of the other Marauders and within seconds a jet of white light was arching across the hall, over the head of a screaming Ravenclaw, to hit Evan Rosier square in the face.

He toppled over backwards, landing on the ground behind his table. The Slytherins all scrambled to their feet, whipping out wands and pointing them towards the three armed Gryffindors.

Instead of fighting, however, Lily raised her wand and let out a bang like a gunshot. Everyone flinched and silence dropped down upon them with the heavy weight of her anger.

"I don't give a damn about your stupid, petty little inter-house feuds," She nearly screamed, "But you do not, I repeat, do not make a crack about someone's parents, or their lack-thereof." She slid her wand back into her jeans, "Now everyone calm the fuck down."

"I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiment, Ms. Evans," Came a voice from the entrance of the hall, "But I would not have phrased it as such."

Everyone turned, a slight gasp rippling throughout the students. Professor Dumbledore stood there, his long beard tucked into his belt and his brilliant green robes shining out against the shadows of the doorway.

"Mr. Snape," Their Headmaster continued, "Please escort Mr. Rosier to the Hospital Wing." He paused, "Also, when he comes to, inform him of his detention tomorrow evening. In my office."

Lily watched with a snarl on her lips as Severus, a boy who had been her best friend throughout her childhood, bent down and slid Rosier's arm around his shoulders. He hefted the boy up, looking over and meeting her gaze for a moment. He narrowed his eyes slightly and she wound her hands into fists, looking away.

Professor Dumbledore turned towards the Gryffindors, "Ms. Evans. Ten points will be deducted from Gryffindor house for your outburst."

Lily heaved a sigh, dropping her head and running a hand through her hair.

"Mr. Potter," Dumbledore continued, "For your surprising self-control, I award Gryffindor house fifteen points. I have never seen you back down from a fight and am, dare I say it, impressed."

He moved through the hall, passing through the tables and to the empty teacher's table at the front of the hall, "Don't be so solemn. Eat, all of you! It's breakfast!"

Lily turned to James, only to find him wearing an expression that slightly startled her. His eyebrows were furrowed, his mouth was taut and anger clouded his eyes.

"I don't need you to protect me, Evans," He all but snarled, shoving her hard in the shoulder as he brushed past. She stumbled back against the Gryffindor table, the cups and dishes rattling.

"I didn't do it for you!" She snapped after him, and he stopped, "I did it because I know what it's like. My mother died in my first year, Potter. I did it because it's not right, no matter who the jab is sent at. Got it?" She paused, tightening her hands into fists, "It you ever think I did something on your behalf, think really hard for an alternative motive and when you find one, despite its ludicrousness, that will be more probable."

James was still and Lily watched as he slowly nodded his head and continued out. She stood there, panting slightly until he turned and was out of her view. Regret, shame, anger, they all mixed together inside her chest to form an insufferably tight knot.

She took a deep breath and watched as Sirius gave her a venomous glare and stalked off after his best friend. Remus looked between her face and Sirius' retreating back, then gently touched her wrist and sat down.

If she thought hard enough, she couldn't remember an extended period of time where she and James were on good terms. She was either annoyed with him or he was angry at the way she decided to word her rejection. Her friends, especially Marlene, liked to joke that it was explosive passion, not intense dislike that fuelled their arguments. At this point, though, Lily was just baffled. What had she done wrong this time?

"I haven't had eggs for breakfast in ages," Remus said softly, amongst the deathly quiet of the hall, "I've been trying to lay off greasy stuff. Are you still hungry?"

Her heart nearly broke as she looked at him, offering companionship even as his two best friends stalked off to inevitably contemplate her horrendous attitude, to decide that they would never speak to her again.

"Thank you, Remus," Lily smiled softly, "But no. I think I'm going to go write to the girls. Go with them." She nodded at the empty entrance hall and Remus merely smiled.

"James knows when he's screwed up, Lily," He nearly whispered as the hall began to fill with noise, "He shouldn't have said that to you and you shouldn't have said that to him." He shrugged, "You won't be able to not talk to each other though, it'd be impossible. You'll work everything out."

He stood, patting her shoulder lightly and turned, jogging after his friends. Lily took a heaving breath once he was out of earshot, one that shook on its way out of her lungs.

Yes, she thought to herself, a letter will help.


	3. Chapter Three

James really had to resist the urge to throw a punch to the wall. Every single time he thought he had figured out Lily Evans, she would do something that would surprise him, something that he had never expected. He didn't know why it bothered him so bloody much, her standing up for him, but it did. It ground on his nerves and he couldn't exactly pinpoint what it was that angered him. Maybe it was the fact that if he tried to defend her she got all high and mighty, insisting she could take care of herself, but she could stand in his defense any day of the week.

"Prongs," Sirius was saying, "Just forget about her she's no-"

James stopped, turning on his friend, "Don't. Don't you dare finish that."

"Honestly," Sirius ran a hand back through his shaggy hair, "She's going to be the death of you, mate. You need to realize that she's not all that."

"She is though!" James groaned, pulling at his hair, "She's bloody brilliant!"

Remus rounded the corner then, but his face was murderous. He advanced on James, pointing his finger in his face, "She's a girl, James." He paused, "A regular girl with a regular life and actual, normal feelings. You need to realize that. You need to calm the fuck down and not lose it every time she does something that you don't like."

James stood there, stunned, "What?"

"You heard me," Remus snapped, "She's upset, alright? She's allowed to fuck up and she has emotions, you know."

"I know that!" James argued, "It's just... she's not like other girls."

"Yes she is!" Remus countered, "You put so much pressure on her. You know that, right?"

"It's not James' fault!" Sirius nearly yelled, "She's mental!"

James ignored him, "Did she say something to you?"

"No," Remus admitted slowly, "But it's obvious. Can't you see it? You bug the shit out of her because you expect her to be perfect. She would never say that, or even think it because that's just Lily, she doesn't expect that from people. But, I mean, you do. You think of her as this goddess, when in reality, she's just Lily."

James stood there, staring in surprise at his friend, who had never truly said anything like this to him before, "I-"

"You complain that she won't date you, but no girl wants a boyfriend who puts one hundred kilos of pressure on her to be perfect." Remus barked, then turned on his heel and left.

"Don't worry about it, mate," Sirius said, clapping James on the shoulder, "His time of the month is next week, he's just touchy."

"Is he right, though?" James asked, "Is that why she doesn't want to date me?"

"I have no idea why that bird is so balmy, but she is. Move on," Sirius smirked, "Her friend Marlene though..." Sirius let out a low whistle.

James let out a fake, hollow laugh, turning and tugging at his his hair. Sirius popped up beside him again, "Honestly mate, just don't talk to her. You need to get over her."

James sighed, then straightened, "You're right. Every bloody thing she does throws me off." He tossed both arms into the air, "It's her fault. She's crazy. I'm done."

Sirius hooted, punching his own fist above his head, "That's the spirit mate! Now, let's go find Moony and see if he's calmed down."

The common room was blissfully empty and Lily suspected that the Marauders had disappeared into one of their infamous hiding spots to calm James down. She moved through it with seeming ease, but her insides were shaking, as were her hands.

She felt horrible for saying those things to James, but it had been true, at least the part where she said she was simply doing it because it was right. Although, despite that, she was still angry with him for

being so rude. Even if she had been defending him, what was the big deal? Even if that had been her reasoning she would have more than enough just cause to attack Rosier.

It was probably because of Potter's arrogant pride, she thought, climbing the stairs to her dormitory, can't stand it when someone stands up for him, makes it seem like he can't defend himself.

It bothered her, thought, the fact that when he was rude or said something wrong, she was a bitch when she got upset. But, when she did something wrong, when she had no clue was James wanted from her, his anger made perfect sense. She wasn't perfect! She was just like every other girl, other than the fact that she didn't swoon over Potter every day of her life. She knew that if she said that to Marlene, or even Hestia, that they would get upset with her, they would tell her to bask in the fact that a guy thought she was perfect. But, she didn't want to. She didn't want James to like her just because he thought she was flawless, some kind of goddess. If he was going to like her, she wanted it to be because of who she was.

She dropped down onto her bed, stretching out on her stomach and hanging off of the end. She grabbed her bag and dragged it towards her, rummaging around inside for parchment, ink and her quill. She yanked a thick pile of parchment out, sending a series of hairpins flying across the room. She slid her inkpot and quill out more carefully and then pushed herself upright on the bed.

With the parchment in front of her she began her first letter, to Alice Prewett:

Dear Allie,

How is your Christmas going? It's pretty boring here and, sadly, the Marauders and I are the only Gryffindors who stayed. Potter may be dead come January.

Lily paused, contemplating whether or not she should tell her friend about what had conspired in the Great Hall. With slight reluctance she decided she should and proceeded to recount what had happened, event by event.

She finished with:

I don't understand him, Alice and I doubt I ever will.

Hopefully your hols are going better than mine.

Love, Lily.

The letters she sent to her other three roommates, Marlene, Mary and Hestia, were much the same and after an hour, she was finished. She folded all four and rolled off her mattress and landed lightly on the floor.

She moved over to her vanity, pushing aside her bag of makeup and snatching up four identical, weathered envelopes.

They had been using the same ones since first year, a sort of tradition between them. They each had four envelopes, all with one of the others names scrawled on them, and whenever they sent a letter,

they had to use the corresponding envelope.

Lily slid the letters into their proper envelopes and slid the flap into the opening at the back. She stacked them in her hands and headed out of the dormitory, hopping down the stairs.

When she reached the common room, it was occupied. James was in his chair by the hearth with Sirius spread out on the couch.

Her stomach tightened, her heart leaped into her throat and she strode as softly as she could past them, expecting an angry outburst or some sort of shout. Instead, they both ignored her, stony silence prickling at her expectant ears.

Somehow, their silence was worse. At least if they attacked her she could fight back, but their lack of communication hid their true feelings from her. It also made her even angrier than she had been. James thought that she was so in the wrong that he was just going to ignore her? He somehow thought that was the best way to fix things?

She ground her teeth together as the portrait swung open and she stalked out into the hall. Did she hurt his massive ego so much that he couldn't even bring himself to speak to her? She had not been

defending him. He knew about her mother, knew that she had felt all the same things he had in third year when both his parents died. He also knew that she had a viciously rigid moral code when it came to that subject and that she would get into an argument or fight over it regardless of who was being taunted for a fallen family member.

The staircase leading to the owlery loomed up in front of her and she bounded up it, taking two steps at a time. The owls all welcomed her with loud screeches and her own tawny messenger swooped down and landed in front of her, on a low lying beam.

"Okay, Harvey," She said, "Another big trip." She tied two letters to each of his legs and reached down to where a closed bucket of owl treats sat. She pried the lid off and pulled out two. Harvey took them

eagerly, munching hard. She replaced the lid and stroked his beak. He gave her an affectionate nip and spread his wings. He took off, soaring out one of the many windows and out across the sky.

Lily made her way down the steps again with no real plan for the day. When she honestly thought about it she realized that she planned on spending the day with the Marauders, but because of the breakfast

fiasco, that wasn't going to happen.

At the bottom stood Remus, with his hands deep in the pocket of his school trousers, his hair flopping down into his eyes. He looked up when she reached him and sighed heavily, his mouth settling into a tight line.

"Did you fight with them?" Lily asked softly, "On my behalf?"

"James expects too much of you," Remus snapped, "Doesn't it bother you?"

Lily ran her hand back through her hair, "Of course it bothers me." Remus was the one Marauder that got it. The one that was her friend simply because he liked that she was smart and nice, the one that didn't stop talking to her every time she made a mistake.

Remus threw his hands up, "It's not fair to you. You mess up slightly and he just gets so upset. You're human."

Lily sighed heavily, crossing her arms, "It's always been that way."

"Yeah but-" He stopped, "That's reason you're not together. Even if you insist it's because you think he's insufferable, that's it, isn't it?"

"I'm not with James because we wouldn't work out," Lily told him, then tipped her head back, "And because of that. He doesn't care about who I really am, he just thinks I'm this perfect girl that was somehow made for him."

"Are you okay?" Lily asked suddenly, eager to change the subject, "At breakfast you were fine, all calm and well... you. And now," She gestured to him, all rumpled hair and red cheeks.

"I just heard James talking to Sirius," He told her, "And then I talked to him. He insisted that you weren't like other girls when I told him you had real emotions, that you were allowed to mess up. It just made me so angry."

"Remus," Lily said softly, putting her hand on his shoulder, "You don't have defend me against your friends." She felt horrible now; just because James was being a prat to her didn't mean Remus had to fight with them.

"I'm just doing this because it's not fair," He insisted, "It's like you. You attacked Rosier because he was being an asshole. James didn't like it for some stupid egotistical reasons," He made a vague motion in the air with his hand, "and because he thinks that you should be able to know exactly how he wants you to act all the time. So, I defended you because it's not right of him."

"Do you know if he's going to talk to me anytime soon?" She asked, "Not that I'm dying to be best friends with him, but Gryffindor house will be strained if the two Prefects with the most influential friend groups are fighting."

"I'm guessing Sirius told him to forget about you," Remus told her, "Like he always does. Maybe James listened this time."

Lily shrugged, "It doesn't make a difference to me, personally, I just don't want Slytherin to win the bloody house cup again."

Remus laughed, but it was hollow and short-lived, "Yeah, that'd be a damn shame."

"Is that sarcasm I hear?" Lily asked, "Why the change of heart?"

"Maybe it's just because I'm mad at James," Remus said quietly, "But I don't think he needs his ego stroked any higher at the moment."

"Just at the moment?" Lily laughed, "Potter never needs his ego stroked."

Remus laughed again, truly, "I guess you're right."

"I was thinking about going for a walk," Lily lied, she hadn't been thinking that at all, but she didn't want to leave Remus' soothing company, "Want to come?"

He smiled down at her, "Sure. That seems preferable to trying to sneak through the common room without talking to Pr-" He stopped, cleared his throat, "James or Sirius."

"I thought so," She agreed, starting to laugh when he offered her his arm, in true gentlemanly fashion. She slipped her arm though his and they walked, talking of everything save for his friends.

The rest of the week progressed much like the day of the fight. James and Sirius ignored Lily with a passion and as much as she wanted to say that it was a relief that he was leaving her alone, she was upset, slightly. She didn't like silence that greeted her when she entered the common room at night, nor did the angry glares from Sirius do anything for her confidence. Remus stuck by her, however, to her immense relief. He continued to speak to her and spent most of his holiday time by her side. He even proofread her werewolf and animagi essay, telling her of several misconceptions about both species.

Then, the second Monday of the holidays, Remus was sitting with James and Sirius when she came down for breakfast. Her heart leaped into her throat and her stomach tightened almost painfully. She ignored them completely, taking a seat at the very edge of the Gryffindor table and digging into her bacon and eggs with unwavering concentration. When the owls came, swooping down over the table, relief flooded her. She would finally have something to stare at, something to occupy her focus other than her slowly emptying plate of food.

Harvey landed with a soft thump beside her and dipped his beak in her goblet of pumpkin juice. With a small smile she noticed that there was now a small sling attached to each of Harvey's claws, stretching out in between them. There were five letters in the pouch and the one on top was clearly addressed to her in her father's handwriting. She plucked them out and removed the pouch, loosely wrapping it around one talon so he had more room to move. He gently pecked her finger and flew off, disappearing to the owlery with the group of other birds.

She opened her father's letter first, sliding it out of the envelope and unfolding it:

My Lily,

Paris is beautiful, you would love it. The streets are narrow and the buildings tall. The scenery is fantastic, you would be having a field day with my old camera. I miss you very much and hope that your holidays are well. I refuse to give you your present until I am there to see it, so you'll get it at Easter. I made the little pouch for Harvey when he came to see me. He really is a smart bird. He had all the letters from your little friends on his legs and it looked tiring. It's just made out of an old sock and some elastics, hopefully it held for the journey.

Hoping to see you soon,

Dad.

With a smile Lily refolded it with the full intention of responding after breakfast. She folded it and then proceeded to read Marlene, Alice, Mary and Hestia's.

Marlene hinted at committing promiscuous acts with an "adorable Muggle boy named Nate," while Alice simply wished her well and said that she wanted to send some Christmas food but her family ate it all. Hestia, as always, was short and to the point, telling Lily to simply hit James over the head with his broomstick and tell him to stuff it. She then wished her a Happy Christmas and said she hadn't bought her a present yet and that Lily would get it in January. Mary told her that her Christmas present "wasn't quite finished" but that she would send it in the mail when it was. Mary was always making things, whether it was scarves or hats or mittens, she even went so far as to paint pictures or sing songs. She was one of the most artistic people Lily knew.

Lily collected all of her letters in one hand and swung her legs over the edge of the bench, hurrying from the Great Hall without looking down the table at the Marauders.

"Lily!" Remus called, his voice following her out into the corridor, "Lily, wait!"

She stopped, not turning around and forcing Remus to circle her to see her face, "I'm not mad that you made up with them, Remus. They're your friends."

"You're my friend, too," He said softly, "And I haven't made up with them. We've just decided to tolerate each for the next few days."

"Why?" Lily asked, "Some weird boy pact that I won't understand?"

His mouth quirked up at one corner, "Not quite."

"You're not going to tell me, are you?" She asked, smoothing down her hair and then tugging at the hem of her light blue cardigan.

"No," He said firmly, "Sorry Lils."

She smiled, "You're allowed to have secrets, Remus. And, you don't have to keep fighting with them for my benefit. Although, I was under the impression that you and I were on the same page."

"We are!" He said quickly, his eyes becoming as round as the plates in the Great Hall, "Like I said, we've just decided to tolerate each other for a few days. For... personal reasons."

"Alright," She smiled softly, "I've got to go answer letters."

"Yeah," Remus said, barely answering her smile, "Of course."

Lily moved around him, quickly heading for the common room. She wasn't mad at Remus, truly. She knew that he thought she was, though; but she didn't blame him for wanting to make up with his friends. They had been together for as long as she could remember, and Hogwarts would be a vastly different place without their group.

She rounded the corner and stopped dead, coming nose to nose with Severus Snape. Her ex-best friend. The boy who had called her a mudblood in front of a huge crowd of people. The boy who was once sweet and innocent that now hung out with the likes of Evan Rosier and Avery Mulciber.

Great.

"Lily," Snape said eagerly, pushing off the wall he was leaning on, "I need to talk to you."

Even better.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter that's been Beta'd so it's more polished from here on out. :)

"No." Lily said simply, sidestepping to move past him.

Snape mirrored her, lifting his hands up in a show of surrender, "Please, Lily." His voice broke and his eyes were wide, his eyebrows drawn together to form a thick wrinkle in between his eyes. For a moment, he looked like her Sev, the way he was when they were children. Adorable and slightly awkward, unsure whether or not she actually liked him.

She crossed her arms, shoving the thought from her head, "What do you want?"

He cleared his throat, sticking his hands into the pockets of his jeans and scuffing the toe of his shoe against the floor, "I-" He stopped, sighed heavily, glanced back up at her, "I'm sorry. I miss you."

Lily snorted, rolling her eyes, "As if." She narrowed her eyes at him and he recoiled, his shoulders slumping in around his chest, "You used up all of your chances, Snape. I forgave you once, at the end of last year, don't you remember?"

His cheeks coloured and he broke eye contact, staring at a spot above her shoulder, "'Course I do."

"Then you don't need me to remind you of the fact that the temporary truce was shattered after a mere two hours," Lily nearly snarled, "As soon as your Slytherin friends saw us together, you took off running, telling me to never speak to you again."

They had been out on the grounds, near the Black Lake, simply talking. Severus had apologized profusely, nearly sobbing with the effort. She had forgiven him, of course, because he was her Severus, the boy who had been there when her mother died, who had shown her that she wasn't alone. She had taken him back into her heart without a second thought. But then the likes of Mulciber and Rosier strolled down the grass towards them and began to sneer.

After a moment, Severus had leaped up, leaning down over her to snap, "This was a mistake. Don't speak to me. Mudblood." Then he had ran to them, shaking his head and yelling something about a huge lapse in judgement. She had sat at the water and sobbed, crying and shaking into the palms of her hands until Alice had come, sliding her thin arm around Lily's shoulders and leading her back to the dormitory. Marlene had cut into her, yelling at her for trusting Snape again, telling her that it was the stupidest thing she had done. Hestia had simply looked at her, raised an eyebrow and said, "Really?" Mary on the other hand, had not said anything, because that was who she was, if she thought that it was in any way none of her business she said nothing.

That was the last time Lily Evans looked twice at Severus Snape.

"I'm sorry," He was saying, clasping his hands together in front of him, "But they're-" He cut himself off, clearing his throat and tugging at his shirt, "They're not the people I want to be."

"You chose them." She snapped, "You made the choice to call me a mudblood in public and end our friendship." Lily gathered herself up, meeting his eyes easily. Severus did not have the height of Remus or James, and he definitely did not hold a candle to Sirius' impressive stature. She tilted up her chin, looking at him through half-lidded eyes, "Lie in the bed you made."

She moved around him, stalking off and not turning when he yelled, "They're into things, Lily! I don't want to be them! I don't want this!"

She ignored him, rounding the corner at a lightning pace, clutching her letters tightly in both hands. She was scared of ripping them, actually, because of the great force with which she squeezed them, crumpling the paper underneath her fingertips.

Lily nearly ran over a couple of first year Ravenclaws in her rush to reach her dormitory, and when she did she locked herself in and threw her letters into her trunk, in no state to respond to any of them. She wished she could forgive him, wished that they could go back to the way things used to be, before magic and social statuses came into the equation. It was easy with Sev, sure Marlene and the others insisted that he had been in love with her, but she didn't believe them. They had simply been friends, close friends. He showed her that she was not alone, that she wasn't a freak, that she was worth something. But, despite that yearning, she was still so angry with him. He chose rude, elitist friends that didn't like the consistency of her blood or the colours on her tie, so he decided that she wasn't good enough for him either. She had no idea what she was supposed to do. Did she believe him and risk getting hurt again, or did she brush him off and risk him actually being unhappy with Rosier and Mulciber and their whole gang?

Lily stretched out on her bed, staring blurry eyed at the dark red of her four poster canopy. She didn't have the time or the energy for any of it. She was already busy with James' infuriatingly high expectations for her behaviour and his current anger with her, her guilt at separating Remus from his friends and now Sev was sobbing that he doesn't get along with his new friends, that they're "'not who he wants to be'". She didn't know what she was doing. She was a sixteen year old girl for Merlin's sake! Why couldn't blokes simply expect normal girl things from her? That would solve all of the Marauder-related problems and if Sev hadn't of gotten mixed into the wrong crowd, if she could have stopped him, they would still be friends and everything would still be easy.

The light tapping on her window caught her attention and when she turned her head she saw a massive horned owl, perched on her windowsill, clutching a letter in its beak. She rolled off the duvet and onto the floor, padded over in her socked feet. She pulled the window in and the bird fluttered in to land on Hestia's bed, the one closest to the window. The bird dropped the letter onto the duvet and soared off again through the open window; with a sigh, Lily pushed the window shut and moved over to scoop up the sealed envelope.

Her name was written in smooth cursive on the front and there was even an official Hogwarts seal plastered onto the back. With slight anxiety she peeled the red wax off and slid the letter out of the envelope:

Ms. Evans,

I require your presence in my office as soon as you are available. I must speak to you about your Prefect duties and the changes that are about to occur in them starting this evening. Please report to my office no later than one o'clock this afternoon.

Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

Minerva McGonagall

Head of Gryffindor House.

With the knowledge that she would have nothing to do except fume and muse for the rest of the day Lily dropped the letter on her bed and headed out the door; she might as well talk to McGonagall now. She trotted down the stairs, into the still empty common room, and out of the portrait hole.

More students were up now, wandering around the corridors and filling them with the slight hum of a handful of conversations. Lily rounded the corner towards McGonagall's office, only to find a gaggle of Slytherin girls blocking the majority of the hallway. With the intent of moving quietly around them, without confrontation, she moved to the far side of the corridor, close to the bricks of the wall, and kept walking.

That was when her name echoed sharply across to her, "Hey, Evans!"

She stopped, sighing heavily and turning to look at her attacker, a Slytherin girl whose name she did not even know, "What?"

"Don't sass me you stupid little mudblood," She hissed, moving through the wall of her friends towards where Lily stood, her back to the wall, "I should kill you for what you did to Rosier."

Lily snorted, rolling her eyes, "Yeah, whatever, now if you'll excuse me-" She turned to leave, only to have the girl grab her arm and haul her backwards. The girl was massive, with broad, masculine shoulders and a hard jaw. Her hands were hard as well and her arms were thick enough to throw Lily back against the wall, her pointed black wand coming to rest at the hollow of Lily's throat.

"Get off me," Lily nearly snarled, her own fingers nimbly wrapping around her own wand, the handle of which stuck out of the pocket of her jeans.

"No," The girl growled, "I should blow your head off. You stupid Gryffindors think you're better than everyone else, don't you?"

"Are you seriously asking me that?" Lily snapped, "You belong to the house that values blood over everything else. You're one of the snakes that wants power over everyone." She released her grip on her wand and brought up her hands, shoving the girl backwards and into the safety net of her friends.

"How dare you!" Another girl shrieked, coming out of the huddle, "You don't just insult someone's house!" Her wand came up, a spell forming on her lips.

Lily however, was faster, "Expelliarmus!" The girl's tawny looking wand shot out of her hand and Lily used her free hand to haul her Prefect's badge out of her pocket, "I know this doesn't mean much to you, but I swear I'll stick you all in detention for months if you don't grow up!"

She whirled around, stuffing the badge and the wand back where they belonged and stalking off; she would not have been surprised if smoke was rising from her fiery hair.

Lily forced through a thin crowd of Hufflepuffs around the next corner, ignoring their apologies and hurried movements to get out of her way. She paused in front of Professor McGonagall's office door and then raised her fist, banging loudly on the thick wood.

"Come in, Ms. Evans," came the reply a second later and Lily pushed through, closing the door as gently as she could behind her, "You did not need to knock so hard, I heard you fine the first time."

"Sorry Professor," Lily mumbled, lowering herself into a high back chair in front of McGonagall's desk. She raised her head to meet the eyes of her Head of House, which were just as dark, sharp and penetrating as always. Professor McGonagall may have been beautiful once, but gray had started to seep into her dark hair, which was always pulled tightly away from her face, which was adorned with hair thin wrinkles stretching from her eyes and mouth.

"Now, what I wanted to speak to you about is very important," McGonagall began, folding her long fingers onto the desk in front of her, "You must patrol every single night for the next few days, I will inform you when this schedule changes, but for the time being, it is extremely important that you are diligent in your rounds."

"Why, though?" Lily asked, "It's Christmas vacation, there's barely anyone here. And what's so special about the next few nights?"

McGonagall became tight lipped, "The reasoning is none of your business, Ms. Evans. If you are not already aware then it is not my place to make you aware."

Lily sighed heavily, "Alright," She ran a hand back through her hair, "Have you already talked to Potter?"

"You are the only Gryffindor Prefect who has this duty, Ms. Evans," The professor replied, absently smoothing a rolling corner of parchment near the edge of her desk.

"What about James? And Remus?" Lily asked, "Why do I have to patrol the whole bloody castle?" She threw her arms up in the air to the shock of Professor McGonagall, who simply raised both eyebrows and tightened her lips.

Lily slumped back down in the chair, her hands flopping over the arms of the chair and her head falling back, "Okay. Okay. Don't worry about it. What time do you want me to have the kids in their common rooms?"

"Before the moon comes out." Professor McGonagall responded quickly, "Now, if you'll excuse me I have exams to grade."

Completely confused and more than slightly angry Lily pushed up from her chair and slipped from the room, fuming and grinding her teeth.

Remus waited for her outside, his mouth twisted in a sympathetic way, "What did she want?"

"How did you know I was here?" She snapped, harsher than she'd meant to be. At the sight of Remus' face, taken aback and sad, she sighed and placed her hand on his forearm, "Sorry, Remus, I'm just having a bad day."

His eyebrows drew together and his eyes filled with concern, "What happened?" Those dark, soft eyes then became as wide galleons, "It's not because of me, is it? If you're mad I understand, Lily."

"No, Remus," Lily assured him, "It's not you."

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked softly, covering her hand, still on his arm, with his.

She opened her mouth to refuse, to automatically push back her problems like she normally did, but then caught herself, "I'd love that."

They went outside and walked through the snow as Lily talked and talked and talked. She cried some, too, but Remus hugged her and told her it would be alright. She missed her mother, she missed her father and she missed the relationship she used to have with her sister. She missed Sev and how things used to be and she missed being able to walk past James without feeling like a horrible human being, without feeling like people were staring at her with pure revulsion.

They were sitting on the back steps of the school, staring out at the Black Lake and the Quidditch pitch. Lily was leaning against Remus' shoulder and he had an arm wrapped tightly around her as she continued to talk, telling him things he probably didn't need, or want, to know. But, he never complained or said anything against her. He just listened, because that was what Remus was good at.

Finally, Lily lifted her head and looked at the slowly setting sun and leaped to her feet, "Merlin! The sun's almost down! I have to start my patrol!"

She looked back at Remus, who looked pale and had shaking hands clenching the fabric of his jeans, "I have to go too. Sorry, Lily."

He stood and they stopped, staring at each other, until Lily smiled and let out a breathless laugh, reaching forwards and smoothing a thick chunk of hair off of his forehead, "I'll see you tomorrow, then? Because somehow you weaseled out of this extra patrol thing."

He chuckled softly, blushing as she took her hand away from his face, "Tomorrow." Then he turned and rushed off into the school. Lily waited until he was out of sight, because she didn't want there to be an awkward moment of conversation when they made eye contact after saying good bye.

After he was gone she hopped up the steps and pushed into the school, sliding through the tall, heavy doors. She peeled her coat off, draping it over her arm and heading towards the stairs to put it away. The Gryffindor common room was pretty central in the castle, so it took her only a few minutes to get up to her dormitory, drop off her coat and be back in the hallway.

Lily walked with her wand out, holding it so it pointed towards the ground, and shooed every student she saw into their dormitories. There were a few other Prefects out and about, the ones that had stayed for the holidays. She walked with Maria Walker, the Hufflepuff Head Girl, for awhile until the older girl saw her boyfriend and rushed off, apologizing for leaving Lily by herself. She smiled at the two Ravenclaw Prefects, Jocelyn Rush and Ryan Turner, but didn't have the chance to speak to them, they were in deep conversation in a shadowed part of the corridor.

She didn't even have trouble with the Slytherin Head Boy, but it made sense, Joshua had always been kind to her. He smiled and said hello and she returned the greeting, but they didn't stop to have a nice chat. It was odd, it seemed to Lily that her long talk with Remus just put a positive light on things, it made everything better, improved her entire mood.

The first few nights were uneventful, Lily saw nothing of importance and got back to the common room just as the sun was rising again. She would collapse in her bed and fall asleep, not waking until the sun was high in the sky and streaming through her window.

The morning of the third night, she rolled out of bed with a groan and looked at the calendar on her wall and with yet another groan, she realized it was Christmas Eve. Lily enjoyed Christmas fine, it was just that she was alone this year, by her own doing, but still.

She quickly got dressed and headed down into the common room, where she found Remus lounging on the couch, asleep. He had a book open on his chest and his arm was draped to the floor, his fingers grazing the carpet. He looked exhausted. His eyes were sunken in, his cheeks hollow. His hair was lank and his mouth hung open, pushing wheezing breaths in and out. He had a few pieces of white tape on a cut on his cheek, obviously self applied, and he twitched every now and then with a whimper.

Lily leaned over the back of the couch and, softly, nudged his shoulder. He shot upright, his book clattering to the ground and a yell breaking out of his mouth. Lily jumped back with a small squeak and his head snapped towards her, his eyes narrowing in on her surprised face.

"Oh," He said, a smile nearly cracking his sickly features, "Lily."

"Remus," Lily said softly, crossing back towards him and leaning over the couch again, "You look horrible."

He turned a deep shade of red, "I know. Thanks for mentioning it."

"I didn't mean it like that and you know it," Lily snapped, reaching her arms over the couch and sliding her hands onto his face. She tilted him up to look at her, "Are you alright?"

"He's just sick, Evans," Sirius' voice echoed from the doorway from the boys' dormitory and Lily ignored him and remained holding Remus' face, "Piss off, Ginger. He doesn't want your sympathy."

"Shut up, Black," She nearly growled, dropping her hands and turning to face, "I don't ask for your smart-ass attitude or your racist slurs, but I get them, don't I?"

"Racist slurs?" Remus asked, swinging himself to his feet, "What do you mean, Lily?"

"Don't worry about it, Remus," Lily said softly, not taking her hard glare away from Black's face, "Just get some sleep. You look like you need it."

With a heavy sigh she turned and left, taking long strides to the portrait hole and out into the corridor. Truthfully, Sirius had been muttering things like "mudblood" in her direction every time she passed him, and whether or not James knew was a mystery to her; regardless, she was tired of it.

She hadn't gotten very far when Remus appeared at her side, "There is no way I'm forgiving them now. That's inexcusable."

Lily said nothing, simply nodding and reaching for his hand. He let her take it, sliding his fingers through hers. This was a pattern they had created; whenever they walked anywhere together, Remus would hold her hand and whenever they sat alone he would slide his arm around her shoulders. It was comforting and surprisingly easy. Lily was expecting confusion and horrible emotions to come with this new closeness she and Remus shared, but it never came. Instead it was just...nice. Lily Evans knew she was falling for Remus Lupin, but she didn't care.

Remus Lupin had fallen for Lily Evans a very long time ago, but unlike James, he was willing to accept that she didn't think of him romantically. However, the past few weeks had changed Lily's feelings and Remus was becoming hopeful. Maybe he would be able to tell her his secret after all.

"Lily?" Remus said, turning to look at her, "Can I tell you something?"

She looked back at him, her previous anger disappearing, "Anything, Remus, you know that."

"Okay," He took a deep breath and looked around, checking for any prying eyes. He then drew her towards and into a broom closet, away from the sight and hearing of any students that may drift down the corridor. He sat down on a ledge on the wall and used her thin wrists to pull her towards him, until she was standing in between his knees.

He stared up at her, "You need to promise me that this won't change your view of me."

"Nothing could do that, Remus," Lily laughed, a smile moving her lips up in the way he especially liked. He continued to look at her for a moment, knowing how untrue those words could be, but this was Lily and he trusted her, and he couldn't imagine for a second her walking away and never turning back to him.

"I'm the reason the patrols got increased," He said quickly, "It's my fault that I have to spend more time with James and Sirius than I'd like. It's because I-" He stopped and looked down to where he gently held her hands, "I'm a werewolf."


	5. Chapter Five

Lily watched Remus watch her swallow, drawing her eyebrows together for a moment. And then, she smiled and pulled her hands from his, lifting them to place her warm palms on his cheeks. She was giggling; small bursts of amusement erupting from her chest and past her lips. She was surprised at him, surprised that he would think she would think less of him. He was wonderful and sweet and smart and kind, he was Remus and the fact that he was a werewolf changed none of that.

Remus' chest tightened and he moved to get up, but she stopped him, dropping one hand from his face to his chest and pushing him downwards. He had a look of disgust on his face, and she knew it was not directed at her, but rather at himself; it broke her heart into thousands of pieces.

"You honestly thought I would care?" Lily asked softly, leaving her hand on his chest, resting above his rapidly beating heart, "You're-" She stopped and sighed, "You're you Remus and the fact that you're a werewolf doesn't change that."

He smiled too, a smile that blinded her, "Thank you."

"What for?" She asked, "For treating you like a human being? Why is that something you would have to thank me for?"

"You see the beauty in everyone, Lily," He murmured, lifting his hand to capture hers and looking down, not meeting her eyes, "Even when they can't see it themselves."

Lily sighed and leaned her head down, pressing a kiss to the top of his head, "You're wonderful Remus," His head shot up and his eyes met hers with a sort of shocked panic in them, "What?"

"I- I just-" He stopped, looked away again, cleared his throat, "I was just surprised with the- the- the yeah..." He trailed off, his cheeks going adorably pink.

Remus had always been a slightly shy boy, but this was odd, even for him. And then Lily Evans realized. Remus Lupin had fallen as carelessly and as quickly for her as she had for him.

With that sudden realization she cupped his cheek more firmly in her hand and leaned forwards. His head tilted up again and his eyes met hers with a quiet, elated happiness. His lips parted slightly, just as she pressed her own against them.

Lily made a sound of surprise as he lifted a large, warm hand and slid it around her waist, not pulling her closer but rather cementing her position and denying her the possibility to escape.

Lily didn't want to escape, though, because his lips were warm and soft against hers and the sighs he let out against her mouth were delicious and wonderful. It felt unbearably right; so much so that she was wondering why they hadn't done this before, why she hadn't forced her mouth against his and demanded he kiss her back.

Suddenly, Remus stood and both arms slipped around her waist, tightening and pulling her against his chest; against the lean, taut front of him. She made a happy sound in the back of her throat and slid one hand down to the nape of his neck, while the other tangled in his messy brown hair and lightly grabbed a handful, something she realized she had always wanted to do.

With a loud exhale of breath Remus pulled away, staring down at her with his messy hair and his partially open mouth and red cheeks.

"Um," He began, then stopped and smiled, another blinding smile that coaxed a giggle out of Lily as well.

"That was-" She stopped and then took a breath, "Really nice."

"Really, really nice," Remus emphasized, nodding his head rapidly; "I think that this should be a regular occurrence for us."

Lily laughed again; she couldn't seem to make herself stop, "Definitely."

"I think we should go down to Hogsmeade, right now," Remus insisted, his eyes brightening, "And get a drink."

Lily nodded, "Yeah, we should."

"It's a date." Remus nodded. His cheeks flushed again and, with a slight sense of hesitation, leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips.

She gripped at his shirt front, pulling him hungrily down to her mouth and kissing him with a kind of longing she had never known before; because she had not had a lot of snogging experience and the few boys she did snog had not felt anything like Remus.

When they pulled apart he smiled and sighed again, then released her waist and took her hand, smiling so wide she was sure his cheeks were going to crack and his eyes were going to crinkle in so much that they would disappear.

The fact that Lily Evans and Remus Lupin were dating spread like wildfire. Soon, she received shocked, intense letters from Marlene, Hestia, Alice and Mary, all of whom she had not even had the time to contact. After their kiss in the broom closet they had indeed drank Butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks, but then it was night-time and Lily had to do her patrols and Remus had to disappear with James and Sirius. Remus had asked Lily, before they reached the common room, if she wanted him to not tell the other Marauders, but she had told him to do whatever he liked. Because, truly, she didn't care what either of them thought.

It may not have been the best decision though, because the Sunday after Christmas, the day that everyone was returning from the holidays, James cornered her on her way to the Great Hall to meet Remus.

"Evans." James barked as she rounded the corner and she turned, meeting his angry gaze with a cool, calm one.

"What?" She responded smoothly, confident that she could have this conversation over quickly and efficiently, without any yelling.

"Be nice to him," James nearly growled, "Don't you dare break his heart."

"What?" Lily nearly shouted, quickly destroying all of her "quick and quiet" goals, "You honestly think I would hurt him?"

"You broke my heart without meaning to!" James yelled back, leaning down over her. "You break my heart every single damn time I see you!" The look in his eyes, in the way he held himself, immediately told her that he wasn't lying.

"Who was the one who stopped talking to me?" She asked, taking a step towards him in an effort to make him move out of her personal space. "Who was the one who expected me, a normal girl, to be absolutely perfect?" She threw her hands up and caught him in the chest, shoving him away from her. "You never got it, did you? You never realized that I make mistakes! I am a normal sixteen year old girl who doesn't know what you want from me! You put up on some kind of pedestal and get so angry when I mess up, when I fall to the ground in front of you!"

"You're perfect to me, though!" He argued, "You are."

"Obviously not perfect enough!" Lily screamed, "Because every mistake I make is a criminal offence!" She moved quickly away from him, "Maybe if you had realized before that I am normal and full of flaws, maybe if you had taken the golden light from around me earlier this could have all been avoided!" Her voice broke and her eyes filled with tears, "Maybe if you had seen me as I am, and still liked me, you could've had what you wanted. But now I'm with Remus and he is-" She stopped, smiled through the tears welling up in her eyes, "He is kind and gentle and likes me in spite of those flaws; he ignores my quirks and I ignore his. So James, you have to stop."

She turned on her heel and took off, walking quickly and not even trying to stop the tears forcing themselves from her eyes and down her cheeks. She pushed through a crowd of newly arrived students and hurried to the Gryffindor table, where Remus was sitting eating lunch with a thick book in front of him.

He looked up before she reached him and when he saw the tears on her cheeks he swung himself off the bench and hurried to her. Lily contained her urge to throw herself against him and cry against his chest, instead grabbing his hand and dragging him from the hall. He struggled with her for a only an instant, when he leaned back to grab his book and then hurried with her, dropping her hand to wrap an arm around her shoulders and tuck her in close to him.

They burst out into the corridor and hurried away from the crowd, Remus all the while adopting the physical attitude of someone who was not to be spoken to. He used his body, lean as it was, to block everyone from Lily and only relaxed when they reached an empty stretch of corridor, where he gathered her up and pulled her against his chest.

She began to cry in earnest then, because James had just upset her so much. The thought of hurting Remus caused her real, tangible pain and the only thing that seemed to dull it was clutching at his shirt and crying against the fabric.

"What did he say to you, Lily?" Remus asked, his face against her hair, "What did James do?"

Lily just shook her head, and then murmured, "He insisted that I don't break your heart. Then felt the need to say that I break his heart every time he sees me."

Remus made an angry noise in the back of his throat that reminded Lily of a wolf far more than the scars on his face ever had, "What else? You fought with him, didn't you?"

"Of course I did!" She yelled against the solidity of his shoulder, "He brought up everything I thought we could move past. He insisted I was perfect to him."

Remus tightened his arms around her, "What did you tell him?"

"I told him that I was with you, that you were kind and gentle and liked me in spite of the flaws James gets so upset that I have," She said, tilting her face up to look at him, "Then I told him to stop. And I left."

"He shouldn't have," Remus snapped, "James is still my friend, you know that. Both he and Sirius are, but they're being awful." He stopped, kissed her forehead, "Better?"

She smiled, laughed slightly, "Much."

"Want to go and meet the others at the platform?" Remus asked, referring to her roommates, who were scheduled to arrive on the platform any time.

She felt bad, because Remus was not speaking to his friends because of her, because of the way they were treating her, "You can make up with them, Remus."

He sighed and took her face in his hands, "No. I'm not forgiving them until they apologize. Or, at least James, because Sirius will do whatever he does. But, honestly Lily, it's not your fault, besides I liked spending time with you."

She laughed, "I'd hope so," A sigh escaped, "Okay, c'mon."

The platform was crowded with students, filled thick and tight by the masses of teenagers that were swarming off of the train in long coats and new scarves that were Christmas presents and fluffy hats their mothers insisted they wear.

Marlene, Alice, Hestia and Mary were the last ones off the train and the platform was nearly empty by the time the four girls reached them. Marlene had evidently gotten a haircut over the holidays, because her shiny dark locks now reached her shoulders instead of her waist. Her face was bright and happy, a smile stretching from ear to ear when she saw Lily and Remus, hand in hand by the edge of the platform. Alice had her arm linked through Mary's, whose long red hair had partially attached to the collar of Alice's pastel blue coat. Hestia was walking slightly behind them, smiling slightly at the happiness her friends were sharing. She was quiet, but intelligent and intuitive, even if she was a bit too blunt for most.

The squeal that Marlene let out when she reached Lily was ear-piercing and Remus winced, dropping Lily's hand and side-stepping out of the other girl's way. Marlene threw her arms around Lily and squeezed her tightly, screeching in her ear.

"You're wearing my present!" She cooed as she pulled away, tapping at the small blue pendant hanging around Lily's neck.

"It's fantastic," Lily laughed, "I love it, Mar." On Christmas morning Lily had opened the necklace from Marlene, a book on complicated charms from Mary and a pair of dangling, golden earrings from Alice. Hestia had a horribly wrapped package underneath her arm and Lily assumed that it was her promised gift. Lily, on the other hand, had sent her friends matching gifts, which they were all wearing. Each girl had a thin silver chain, holding their name carved in delicate silver letters, slung around their neck.

Lily then received hugs from both Mary and Alice, while Hestia simply said hello and held out the package to her, saying, "Open it tonight, after dinner."

"I missed you to," Lily laughed, "Thanks."

She tucked the package under her arm and reached absently to her left, sliding her fingers back through Remus'. Marlene waggled her eyebrows at her and began to snicker, "You two are adorable!"

Remus sighed softly beside her and Lily gave him a small smile, and then turned back to her roommates, "Let's head up for lunch."

The rest of the day consisted of catching up, only part of which Remus stayed for. He had kissed her cheek and murmured something about talking to a teacher, then disappeared. The girls ate more than they should have at the feast and eventually found themselves stretched out on their beds, talking idly and yawning loudly.

Lily hung her head off the end of her bed, staring across the room at Alice and Mary, who were painting their toenails and braiding their hair, respectively. She tilted her head slightly and saw Marlene in the bed beside her, flipping through a Muggle magazine, much to the disgust of Hestia, who was on the bed closest to the window.

"Did any of you finish your Defence essay?" Marlene asked, suddenly looking up with an expression of panic of her face, "When is that due?"

"Not until next week," Lily assured her, "Honestly, one of these days your procrastination will kill you."

"I don't procrastinate," Marlene objected, "I just take a long time to plan."

"Yeah, plan everything but your assignments," Mary muttered with a giggle, pinging a hair elastic across the room and onto Marlene's bed.

"Shut up, Mary!" Marlene shouted, "You're the one who forgot the definition of a Bezoar in Potions last year!"

"I have a selective memory!" Mary protested, "I can remember other things!"

"Yeah, like what?" Marlene joked, playing on the one thing that had given them all constant entertainment since first year, Mary's horrible memory.

"I can't-" Mary began, but stopped, "Shut up! I hate you all!"

"It's a good thing you're pretty," Hestia flatly from the other side of the room, which had Lily snorting violently and nearly rolling off of the bed. In the process her new black scarf adorned with golden snitches, courtesy of Hestia, nearly strangled her.

Laughs ensued and eventually Lily righted herself enough to join in. She loved this, this natural comradery that they had, that feeling that brought them all together and kept them so close. She had missed them, missed them more than she could possibly put into words. They were everything to her, they really were and she was overjoyed to have them all back; back where she could see them, could talk to them, could hug them. Despite the fact that school was starting again, Lily couldn't have been happier.

The first week back at school was dull and uneventful. Lily spent most of it in the library with Marlene, who had pushed her Animagi and Werewolf essay back so far she finished it ten minutes before Defence class started the day it was due. She also spent a lot of time with Remus, half of which was spent with lips pressed against lips while the other half involved simply talking. Lily would sit at one end of the Gryffindor couch with Remus' head in her lap and she would run her fingers through his messy brown hair while they both just talked and enjoyed each others company. Peter, who had come back from holidays and been bombarded with the recent feud plaguing his best friends, often sat in the corner of the common room, making awkward conversation until he thought he should spend time with James and Sirius as well. Peter was not one for taking sides, so instead the poor boy jumped back and forth between James and Sirius and Remus and Lily.

The second week however, was busy and full of homework and late nights spent writing scroll upon scroll of essays. It was Tuesday when Lily was up in the common room, with Remus sitting across from her, tapping his fingers on the tabletop and watching her write furiously in her dream journal, class-work from Divination.

She could feel his eyes pressing into the top of her head so she looked up and set down her quill, "Are you okay, Remus?"

He cleared his throat and looked away, out the window, "Fine."

She sighed heavily and pushed her hair back, "No you're not. What's wrong?"

He let out a heavy breath and met her eyes, "Friday."

Lily's eyebrows drew together, "What? What's Friday?"

"The full moon," Remus answered softly, glancing outside at the sliver of silver hanging in the sky and narrowing his eyes, as if it offended him, "The full moon is on Friday. I already feel sick."

"Oh, Remus," She murmured, reaching her hand across the table to touch the tips of his fingers, "Go talk to James."

Remus clenched his teeth, "I wish I didn't rely so heavily on them for this, Lily. It bothers me." He flipped his hand over and laced his fingers through hers, "It's not even because I'm mad at them. It's the fact that I need my friends to keep me from rampaging and killing someone."

"You take your potion, don't you? That helps, right?" Lily asked, "If you don't want to need them, you don't really have to."

"I do though," He said softly, meeting her gaze with heartbreak in his eyes, "For precaution. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again."

"Again?" Lily asked, confused, "Remus, what happened?"

He swallowed hard, focused on the dark wood of the table, "I hurt someone. During my first transformation. That's it."

Lily opened her mouth, her lungs full with more questions, but then she saw the tightness of his form and closed her mouth again. She pulled her hand from his and moved around the table to him. He turned to face her and she stood between his knees, sliding her hands into his hair and leaning down to press her mouth to his. He made a little noise in the back of his throat and slid his hands around her waist, pulling her down closer to him. He twisted her slightly and the giggle that erupted from her mouth broke them apart.

With a determined look in his eyes he pulled her down onto his lap and she twined her arms up around his neck, pushing herself up until their lips touched again. He bent himself down, locks of hair dropping down onto her forehead and returned her kiss. She sighed against him, tightening her hold and opening her mouth underneath the gentle advances of his. With slight insistence she pushed on his chest, breaking their contact to push him into lying down on the long bench seat. She turned, sliding one leg onto either side of his hips and bracing her hands on his chest.

He stared up at her with wide eyes, his mouth parted and his cheeks red. Breath rushed in and out of his mouth, mingling with her own as she leaned back down with the full intention of snogging that expression off of his face. His arms leaped up around her, pulling her tighter to him. One hand snaked up and wrapped in her long red hair, gathering it up in his palm and letting it slide repeatedly through his fingers.

She moved her hands up, running them over his cheeks and into his hair, where she knotted her fingers into fists and used it as handholds as she pressed herself down harder against his mouth. The hand at her waist tightened and one of his legs bent up at the knee, keeping her tethered to him.

That was when the cough sounded, "Well. Fan-bloody-tastic."

Lily shot upwards and Remus let his hands fall from her body; her head shot to the right and sought the speaker, despite the fact that she knew his voice anywhere, "Potter. What do you want?"

"To speak with my mate, thanks," James nearly snarled, "A letter just came from home. His mum's sick."

Lily backed quickly off the seat and Remus sat up, face blazing. "She knows, James."

James' shoulders dropped and his eyebrows came crashing together. "You told her?"

"Yeah, I told her!" Remus snapped, moving almost unconsciously to stand between James and Lily, "You expected me to keep it? It was my secret to tell."

"And you chose to tell a bloody mudblood?" Sirius' voice echoed down the stairs and he appeared at James' right shoulder.

James suddenly went very still, his posture stiffening in a way Lily was sure no one but her noticed. Slowly he turned to face Sirius, "What did you just say?"

"I just asked why in Merlin's pants Moony chose to tell the mudblood when it took him two years to tell-" Sirius was cut off by the hard, well-delivered punch that James' flying fist sent into his face.

Sirius fell backwards onto the boys' stairs, where James lunged at him and pulled him to his feet by the collar of his old, worn Gryffindor t-shirt, "How dare you use that word." James was not yelling his anger like Lily was accustomed to, the line he said to Sirius was nearly whispered, but it sent chills up and down Lily's partially bare arms.

"Mate, honestly, how can you still give a shit about the stupid red-head?" Sirius grumbled, wriggling out of James' grip and onto the floor again.

James tackled Black, sending them both careening onto the uneven surface of the staircase. James sat on top of his friend, slamming punch after punch into the taller boy's face, "You have no right to talk about her like that!"

Sirius finally fought back, shoving James backwards off of him, sending him tumbling to the ground. Sirius leaped up and down onto James in one quick movement, beginning to deliver his own blows, "She is nothing!"

James grunted as Sirius' fist connected and Lily let out a loud cry, "Oi!" Sirius looked up at her, narrowing his eyes, "Get off him!"

"What do you care?" Sirius snarled, pausing long enough for James to roll his friend onto his back and grab him by the fringe, lifting his head and then slamming it back against the ground.

"Stop it!" Lily yelled, attempting to move around Remus, "Stop it, both of you!"

"I'm not letting some asshole call you a mudblood ever again!" James hollered, jumping to his feet and dodging a punch of Sirius's, "You're better than that!"

"James! Stop!" She yelled, "Please!"

It was the last word that did it. The one word that echoed in the glass vases along the windowsills and reverberated in James' head.

"Lily's right," Remus snapped, "You both need to stop."

Sirius stumbled backwards and leaned against a table, pressing the heel of his hand to one eye, "Sod off, the lot of you."

"You know what you great, dirty prick?" James snarled, "You sod off. Go upstairs and have a lie in, mate. No one wants to talk to you, right now."

With a reluctant snarl Sirius surprisingly obeyed, pushing past James with a shove and taking the stairs two at a time. The words, "Shut up, Pete!" could be heard before the slamming of the door.

James stared at her standing behind Remus, whose arm was stretched tightly across her middle, a surprisingly effective deterrent, "I'm sorry, Lily."

"I know," Lily whispered, "I know. James it's alright."

"No," James said with a crack in his throat, "It's not. Moony was right. If I'm allowed to be a prick, you're allowed to make mistakes. You're just a girl."

Remus made an unidentified noise in the back of his throat and stretched his fingers out until they clutched Lily's hip, pulling her against his side. James didn't miss the gesture and he took a deep breath, "I'm happy for you two. Really. I am."

Lily's heart shattered; right there inside her chest it burst, exploding into a million pieces and worming its way into all of the soft, delicate places inside of her. The way his breath caught in his throat as if he was trying not to cry stabbed against her lungs while the way he clenched his hands in his dark Christmas jumper made her ribs feel broken. Lily Evans found herself with the almost uncontrollable urge to run across the room and slide her arms around his waist and press her face against his chest.

But then she felt Remus gripping her hip and she leaned into his side, forcing a smile into place and breathing in the comforting, safeness of her boyfriend's chest, "Thank you, James."

With a strangled sigh Remus nodded, "Thanks, mate."

"You don't forgive me quite yet, Moony," James observed with a small laugh, "Want me to get down on my knees?" He paused for dramatic effect, "And beg for forgiveness."

Remus pushed a laugh from his mouth, "Good to have you back, mate."

"Good to be back." James smiled at Lily, then took another breath, "I'm going to go talk to the wanker." He gestured behind him to the dormitory stairs, "See you in the morning?"

"'Course," Lily said softly and watched him go.

"Does this change things?" Remus asked, once he was gone, "Between us?"

With a gasp Lily looked up at him, "Of course not! Why would you think that?"

"No reason," Remus said quickly, pulling her to him and pressing a kiss to the crown of her head, "Just curious."


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Seven has been sent away to my lovely Beta and as soon as I have it back I will have it up both on here and on ff. If you happen to prefer ff and wish to continue reading my story I am known as: KattTheHurricane over there. Thank you for reading!

When James banged into the dormitory Peter started awake, shooting up out of his blankets with a startled yelp. James ignored him and crossed the room to Sirius's bed, where he dropped onto the edge and stared at his obviously awake form.

"What do you want, James? I'm not in the mood for any of your righteous preaching," Sirius grumbled, trying to roll over and away from James's storming glare.

"What the fuck was that?" James snarled, "You've never called someone a Mudblood in your whole life - it reminds you too much of your family."

"Yeah, well," Sirius stopped and then pushed himself up onto his hands, "She's jerked you around for years, mate! I don't exactly like her at the moment. You thought the same just last week!"

"Because you were insisting I could do better, and I was interested in not being infatuated anymore," James snapped. "Only to learn you've been calling her a Mudblood behind my back."

"Well, are you?" Sirius asked, "Infatuated?"

"I'll be infatuated with Lily Evans until the day I die," James told him, in such a tone that insisted that it was a well known fact, "I've just decided I'm not going to chase her anymore - I'm not going to expect so much of her anymore."

Sirius sighed, "She's always been..." He trailed off. "She was jerking you around."

At that James began to laugh, clutching his side and laughing long and loud. "I'm beginning to think you've never met Lily. She's one of the kindest people I know. She was never jerking me around."

"What do you call it then?" Sirius asked, throwing his hands up in the air. "What do you call the flirting and then the rude denials? You're my best mate; I'm trying to look out for you."

"I call it fear," James said softly. "Lily is used to controlling everything - her and I would be unpredictable."

"Are you writing a book?" Sirius snorted, "How to Sound like a Bird by James Potter." He paused, "I'm sorry."

James nodded, "I know. Tomorrow, tell Evans."

"I will," Sirius shook his head, prompting the fall of his long hair. "Merlin, I've been a right prick, haven't I?"

James nodded and went to speak; only to be interrupted by Peter from across the room. "Yeah, Paddy, you treated Lily Evans like rubbish. Lily Evans: Friend to all. Nicest girl at Hogwarts."

With a sigh Sirius dropped back onto his pillows. "I was trying to look out for you, mate."

James patted his shoulder, perhaps a bit rougher than he should have. "I know."

"So, I'm sorry," Sirius finished, pushing his hands into the pocket of his wrinkled school pants. "Forgive me?" He sported a dark black eye and a split lip. Despite the fact that she hadn't seen James that day, she could assume that he looked just as bad.

"Of course," Lily answered, reaching across the common room table to touch his hand. "It's okay, Sirius."

"It's not, but..." Remus piped up from behind her, "You mean it?"

"'Course, Moony," Sirius snapped. "I was a prick."

"Yeah, you were." Remus nearly growled, leaning forwards so he was beside Lily.

"Remus," Lily said softly, "It's done."

With a heavy sigh Remus flopped back against the couch, sliding his hand in between the small of Lily's back and the cushy material.

At that moment their saviour came in the form of Marlene, who bounded down the stairs and skidded into the common room, "Are you ready for Potions, Lil?" Her eyes strayed to Sirius and narrowed. "Look it's the git of the year."

"He's just apologized, Marlene," Lily said softly, "I forgive him."

"You shouldn't have," Marlene snapped, "But if it's done..." She raised her eyebrows at Lily, who nodded firmly. "Then I guess I'll speak to you again, Black."

"Wow, McKinnon," Sirius snorted, "How generous."

Marlene cracked a smile, one that reached her eyes with ease. "I thought so."

Lily stood, twisting around to press a light kiss to Remus' forehead. "I'll see you after class."

He nodded with a smile and pushed himself up. "Padfoot and I have to get to Charms."

"See ya," She said, moving around the couch, pausing only when she scooped her bag from the ground. Marlene slipped her arm through Lily's and they walked to, and then through, the portrait hole and out into the corridor.

"So, what do you think Slughorn has planned?" Marlene asked, "Something ridiculously hard?"

"I doubt it - it's only been a few weeks since the holidays." Lily steered them around the corner, towards the dungeons and the Potions room.

"So," Marlene started, "You and Remus..."

Lily brightened, a smile smoothing out over her face, "Yeah. It's great, Mar. He's fantastic."

"I'm just surprised," Marlene answered, "I thought you two were just friends."

"We were, but then he was on my side over Christmas and we spent so much time together," - and he told me he was a werewolf - "It just feels nice."

"Hmm," Marlene mused, twirling a strand of her chestnut hair around her pinkie finger and chewing on her bottom lip.

"What?" Lily said sharply, "What does hmm mean?"

"Nothing, just hmm," The other girl said softly. "I mean, it doesn't seem like there's much... passion there."

Lily laughed, "Passion? Are we living in a cheesy romance novel?"

"No," Marlene huffed, "I don't mean it like that! I just mean that you two seem to make good friends, but a relationship between you two seems weird."

"Thanks Mar," Lily snapped. "That's fantastic, really."

"No, listen, Lily," Marlene pleaded. "It's great that you're happy and Remus is wonderful, and you know I love the awkward little thing dearly, it's just I don't think you two have chemistry."

"I like him, Mar," Lily said firmly. "He likes me, too. That's all there is to it. There's no fighting, no squabbles-"

Marlene cut in with, "Like with James. That's what you mean. Are you just with Remus because he's the opposite of James? The opposite of what you're afraid of?"

"Don't tell me what I mean!" Lily snapped, "I have no feelings for James that are not platonic."

"Really, Lily?" Marlene looked at her sceptically, "Don't feed me that crap. It's me; I know everything that goes on in that little head of yours. You insist you hate him and will do every single thing possible to make sure that everyone believes it. There is something between you, something strong and incredibly powerful. Eventually, you won't be able to deal with it anymore and neither will he." Marlene shook her head, her newly cut hair shaking around her face, "How long do you think Remus will be willing to compete with James for your attention?"

"He is not competing for my attention!" Lily yelled back, taking three large steps away from her friend. "Remus is special to me and we are happy being together. So don't you dare say that to me."

With a firm shake of her head Lily moved off in the direction of the Potions classroom, pushing herself into the flow of students and putting as much space in between her and Marlene.

Bloody Merlin! If she wasn't fighting with James she was fighting with Marlene. She understood where Marlene was coming from, but she was way off base. There was nothing between her and Potter. Nothing at all.

Lily glided through the doorway and into the Potions room, casting her eyes over the heads of students, only to have them land on James' messy black hair, currently angled downwards as his chin was balanced on his palm. She bumped into a collection of glass beakers with the edge of her bag and they clinked and dinged, sending noise throughout the bustling classroom.

James turned at the sound and Lily nearly gasped at the deep bruising around his eye, and his newly crooked nose. Despite the obvious pain that came with the gesture, he smiled and waved, gesturing her over to the empty seat beside him. With a glance at the empty table she normally shared with Marlene she smiled back, moving around a cluster of Hufflepuffs and sliding onto the chair next to him.

"Morning, Evans," He greeted, watching intently as she bent and set her bag on the ground, smoothing her hair from her face. "Did- uh, did Padfoot apologize?"

"Yes," Lily answered, flattening her palms on the table. "Are you two... alright?"

James nodded. "I might rough him up a bit at next week's game, but, we're good."

"Really?" She asked with a small laugh, "You beat the holy crap out of him last night and you're good?"

James tugged on his hair and then began talking with his hands, "Y'see, Evans," He paused to tap the table in front of her, "When blokes are mad at each other, they throw a few punches, leave a few bruises and then it's all good. There's no tittering and backstabbing like with you birds."

"Yeah, well," Lily began, then with a smirk bent down and pulled her wand from her bag, "We birds don't have to worry about the pain of fixing a broken nose."

"What?" James said quickly, "No, wait!"

"Episkey!" Lily said sharply, snapping her wand in James' direction.

"Ah!" He cried out, slapping his hands up over his nose, "Merlin's pants, Lily! Give a guy some warning!"

"I did," Lily smirked, twirling her wand between her fingers and then blowing the top as if it was an old Western gun, "You just didn't react quick enough."

Out of the corner of her eye, past the outline of James' jaw, she saw Marlene take her usual seat, flashing her a look and raising an eyebrow that clearly said: Platonic?

Lily narrowed her eyes, sending back her own: Completely.

James glanced over his shoulder only to find Marlene quickly looking away, rushing to speak to the boy who sat in front of her. "What was that?"

"Nothing," Lily answered, "Girl stuff."

He watched her for another moment and then nodded before saying, "There have been more killings y'know."

Her head snapped around and she leaned towards him as Professor Slughorn cleared his throat at the front of the room. "Who? Where? When?"

"I got a copy of the Daily Prophet delivered during the holidays," He said. "It's all in there. Haven't you been reading it?"

With a sigh Lily shook her head, "Too much going on." She glanced away from his penetrating gaze and then back again. "Who, though?"

"Do you know Amelia Rayne?" He asked quietly, "Ravenclaw girl? Third year?" When she nodded he said: "Her parents. Both of them. On Christmas day. She came home from the shop and the mark was over her house."

"God," Lily sighed, tuning out Slughorn as he explained some simple potion they'd all learned in third year, "What the hell is happening, James?"

"I think-" He paused and lowered his voice, leaning closer, "I think we're on the brink of a war."

Lily looked away, revulsion bubbling in her gut, "How though? It's happened before, sure, but-" She shook her head, "I always said it wouldn't happen to us."

"Yeah," James sighed, "Me too."


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took so long! My poor beta was unable to edit this one and I spent awhile trying to find a temporary replacement and couldn't. So, this one was beta'd completely by me and therefore may be a little rough. I hope anyone who actually follows this enjoys reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! :)

Lily assumed it was a prank. She assumed that James and Sirius had bewitched their cloaks to glide menacingly across the grounds, that the first years who had come rushing through the front doors sobbing had simply been scared by the sight. 

She was wrong. Standing, shivering, underneath the falling snow Lily cast a glance at Remus, who stood by her side. His eyes were just as wide as hers were, watching the hoard of advancing Dementors emerge from the forbidden forest and descend upon the school. 

“Go get Dumbledore,” Lily said quickly, pulling her wand from her jeans pocket and tightening her grip on the handle.

“Lily,” Remus protested, moving so his body was between hers and the Dementors, “You can't possibly-”

“Go, Remus,” Lily snapped, grabbing his arm and swinging him towards the school, “Get him. Now.” He stood there watching her, conflicted, for a few seconds, then turned and ran into the safety of the building.

With a deep breath Lily turned to face the dark mob, advancing much more quickly than she thought they were able to. She pushed the sad, dark thoughts that they brought from her mind and narrowed her mind onto Remus laughing and her friends goofing around in their dorm after midnight.

She raised her wand, “Ex- ex- ex-” She couldn't get the words out of her throat. They were caught with a ball of fear and despair that was threatening to eat her whole, “Ex- ex-” She stopped again, a whimper breaking through and out past her lips.

“Lily!” James's voice crashed through the silence that enveloped her and then he was at her side, “Are you alright?”

“James,” She breathed, pointing, “James-”

“I know,” He answered, moving so their shoulders touched, “Together?”

Lily took a deep breath, her mind clutching to the warmth that spread from where her shoulder touched his. Images of his cocky grin and the way he said her name flooded her mind and with a firm nod she sucked steel into her spine. 

She didn't have time to dwell on the fact that she couldn't get the nerve to conjure a patronus with thoughts of Remus and her friends, but when James was there she was brave and ready, she only had time to yell, “Expecto patronum!” 

Beside her, James mimicked her action and Lily watched as her silver doe erupted from the tip of her wand, only to be joined by the colossal stag that came from James's. She sucked a gasp between her teeth, realizing with amazing clarity why James had acted so delirious with happiness when he had seen her patronus in the Three Broomsticks all those weeks ago.

Their complimentary patronuses tore across the snow, shouldering and jumping on the approaching threat. They were able to cut off the group considerably, but it seemed never-ending and soon Lily was tiring, as was James. When her doe burst at a Dementor and vanished James's stag reared of its own accord and James yelped with surprise It slammed its antlers against the Dementors middle until it spun away. Then the stag, too, disappeared.

“Where's Remus?” Lily asked suddenly, gasping with the effort of trying to produce another patronus, “I sent him to get Dumbledore before you got here.”

“And he left you?” James asked, sending a thin burst of white at a Dementor that got too close, “He just went?”

“Calm down,” Lily sighed, “I sent him away. Made him go.”

James just shook his head and didn't respond, purposefully placing himself between the Dementors and Lily, “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” Lily said, moving around him so they stood side by side, “But you don't need to shield me.”

“Yeah, I do,” James argued, pushing her behind him, “Let me.”

There was then a loud, “Expecto patronum!” from behind them and a massive phoenix flew over their heads, shrieking and diving. In a matter of minutes the Dementors had all spun away, scared off by the silver bird.

Lily looked to James, then, who smiled and said, “Yeah, a stag.”

Lily bit her lip, her eyebrows coming together, “James-”

She was interrupted by Remus's heartfelt, “Lily!” With a quick snap of her head she turned to look at him, standing there beside Dumbledore, panting. He looked so sweet, so full of concern for her, that she hurried across the snow to throw her arms around his neck. His wound around her waist and he hugged her tightly, repeatedly asking if she was alright against her hair. 

“Well,” Dumbledore said, anger tinging his voice, “I believe I have a letter to write. The Minister needs to control his Dementors.” The Headmaster swept away, his long grey cloak swishing and swinging as he tromped through the snow and back into the school.

Lily and Remus broke apart, and her eyes sought James. He smiled and strode towards them, sliding into the space between them and draping his arms over their shoulders, “Let's go to dinner.”

“Good idea,” Remus said with a chuckle, his arm stretching up to replicate James's gesture, “You two could use some chocolate.”

“Tell me about it,” Lily laughed, “And pumpkin juice-” She stopped herself, “Do you think there'll be pudding at the feast?”

“You and your pudding,” James chuckled, “Come on.” And so they went.

**

Winter passed quickly, after that, and there were four more incidents with Dementors breaking into the school grounds, no matter how many times Dumbledore tried speaking to the Minister of Magic. The man just kept insisting that he had nothing to do with it. There were also eighteen more deaths. All muggleborns in Hogwarts were living with slight fear in the back of their minds, a slight nudging that told them they could die any time, or that they would get a letter telling them that their parents had been murdered. They were safe, though, they had to be. They were in Hogwarts and there couldn't be a war brewing, it just didn't make sense.

So, near the end of the school year, in early June, they had their last Quidditch game of the year. The game where they played for the cup. It was a blessed distraction, what from upcoming exams and the pressure of the real world.

Lily stood in the stands with Remus on her left and Alice on her right. She and Marlene had fixed their little falling out and the girl was standing in front of them. Alice was clinging to Lily's arm, hissing and flinching at every movement on the pitch.

“Alice, calm down,” Lily laughed, “We'll win.”

“But, what if we don't?” Alice asked quickly, “I bet Joshua ten galleons on us. Lily, I don't have ten galleons!”

“Calm down,” Lily repeated, “I'll loan you the money if we don't.” Truthfully, Lily didn't have ten galleons either, but she trusted the Gryffindor team to completely murder Slytherin and even if they didn't, she would enjoy seeing Sirius and James “accidentally” rough up the Slytherin captain, who, unlike Joshua the Head Boy, was not very kind. 

The quaffle sailed through the air as Frank Longbottom narrated the passes, “To Black, then Ashter, then Walker, then back to Black and-” He paused and as the reddish ball sailed through the middle post the entirety of Gryffindor house threw their arms in the air and screamed, “Gryffindor scores! It is now 65 to 50!” 

“I told you!” Lily nearly screamed in Alice's ear, “I told you! We'll win!” With a laugh she caught Remus's face in her hands and kissed him, “Yes!”

Remus laughed too, smoothing her hair from her face, “We've only got the best team in Hogwarts history!” 

Lily squealed in agreement and turned back to the pitch, only to see what seemed to be a raincloud moving slowly towards them in the distant sky. She pointed and leaned down to Alice, “We'll probably have flattened Slytherin by the time the rain starts!” 

Alice laughed too, nodding frantically, “We are just that good!”

It seemed as though Frank had the same idea because he loudly announced, “Let's see if we can have this game wrapped up by the time the rain gets going!” 

The school watched in anticipation as James soared high above the pitch, scanning the field, and Sirius dodged a bludger, only to have it flown back towards the Slytherin beater by Mary.

“I still can't believe she's on the team,” Alice laughed, watching as their small ginger friend dipped and dove around on her broom, holding the small bat in her right hand, “It's fantastic!”

There was a rustling behind them and Lily turned, seeing Hestia holding a bag of muggle popcorn. She held out the bag with a smirk.

“Where did you get this?” Lily asked, taking a handful and popping a few into her mouth.

“Where do you think?” Hestia chuckled, then nodded towards the pitch, “Black has this massive stash of it in his dorm. I snuck in.” 

Remus looked quickly back at her, “You broke into our dorm?”

“Of course I did,” Hestia laughed, “James has snuck into ours enough.” She raised an eyebrow at Lily, “Remember that time in first year, when he put on that mask at Halloween and-”

Lily raised her hand, “I don't want to remember it, thank you.” She looked back towards the pitch, her eyes finding the storm cloud easily; only to realize that it wasn't a storm cloud, “Dementors!”

Her scream echoed and had the teachers standing swiftly, watching the hoard of them begin to cross the school grounds. One of the cloaked figures rose up behind a dark haired boy with the number thirteen on the back of his jacket.

Lily leaned harshly forwards, intent on storming out onto the pitch, “James!” He turned around too late, coming face to face with the darkness underneath that hood. He paused for a moment, then fell backwards off his broom, plummeting towards the ground.

“Oh my God!” Lily screamed as Remus grabbed her around the middle and held her back, “Let me go!”

“No,” Remus said firmly, “You'll get yourself killed. They don't care who they attack.”

“He's falling,” Lily yelled, her voice breaking, “He's your best friend!”

“Dumbledore has him,” Remus said, pointing to the tall figure of their headmaster, whose wand was out and pointing towards James's dropping body. Eventually he slowed until he hovered above the grass, then he was gently deposited on the ground.

“Oh my God,” Alice breathed, watching as the teachers sent out patronus after patronus. The Dementors began turning away and that was when Lily broke free of Remus's arms.

Lily pushed through the thick crowd of people and burst out onto the pitch. She dodged Madam Hooch's grabbing hands and ran until she reached James. She dropped down beside him, taking his face in her hands.

James's eyes shot open and he peered up at her, “Lily. Saving my life again?”

“Are you alright?” She asked quickly, “Please tell me you're alright.” She smoothed a lock of unruly hair from his forehead and peered down at his upturned face.

“I'm fine,” He laughed, “Perfect now.” 

Lily laughed too, letting go of him and rocking back on her heels. She felt hands on her shoulders pull her back and she watched as Professor McGonagall conjured up a stretcher underneath James. Two other members of the team picked it up and moved him swiftly across the lush, green grass and into the castle.

“You okay, Evans?” Sirius's voice floated over her shoulder. 

She spun around and nodded, “Yeah. Are you?” Her eyes ran him up and down, checking for cuts or bruises.

“I'm fine,” Sirius assured her, “No Dementor related injuries, I promise.”

“Good,” Lily smiled up at him, then caught a glimpse of a brown bobbing head over his shoulder, “Remus.”

He came to a stop beside Sirius, a closed off look on his face, “Well?”

“Well, what?” Lily asked, her eyebrows coming together, she looked at Sirius, who shrugged, “Remus?”

“Get lost, Padfoot,” Remus barked, when Sirius hesitated he repeated himself angrily. Sirius nodded, looking at Lily with confusion, and then jogged off after the stretcher.

“Remus, what's wrong?” She asked, taking a step towards him and reaching for his hand.

He jerked away from her, “This is wrong! All of it!”

“What do you mean?” Lily asked, “What are you talking about?”

“I'm talking about you and James!” He snapped, “You said that you two making up would change nothing between us. Well, it has. I am constantly competing with him.”

“What?” Lily yelled back, disgust writing itself over her face, “You are not competing with him, Remus! You're not! How can you think that?”

“You're more worried about his well-being than your own!” Remus retorted, “You two have something-” He stopped himself, swallowing, “Something I can't touch.” His voice was soft again and his eyes were drawn down in a way that made her chest ache, “You two have this weird soul mate thing going on and no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I will never measure up to him.”

“Measure up?” Lily breathed, “You're not in competition. James is my... friend. And you and I are together.”

“You've never even called me your boyfriend, Lily,” Remus reminded her, “And I am in competition. I really am. I tried for so long to win you over for good, but, it's always going to be him for you. You even have complimentary patronuses for Merlin's sake.” She didn't respond, just stared at him and waited, “I can't do this anymore. I can't spend every moment we're not together trying to find ways to one-up my best mate. I love you dearly, Lily. I always have, but, you and James-” He stopped, then cleared his throat, “I don't want to hold you back from that.” 

“Okay,” Lily answered softly, dropping her gaze to the bright green of the pitch grass, “I understand.” 

“We will always be friends, Lily,” Remus told her, placing his hand on her shoulder, “You know that, right?”

Lily laughed, “You're giving me the friends card, Remus?” She looked up into his face and sighed, “I know.”

“You are the kindest person I know,” He nearly whispered, “You were there for me at a time when no one else was. You reacted better than anyone I've ever met.” 

She laughed, “Okay. Thank you, Remus.”

“For what?” He asked, his voice turning miserable, “I've just broken up with you.”

“You did it because you think it's best for me,” She smiled, “You're a really great guy.” 

He shrugged, “I do my best,” He looked back across the pitch, “I'm going to go and eat. Go talk to James.”

“I don't think I can do that right now,” Lily answered, “But, I will, soon.” 

“Okay,” He answered, patting her shoulder softly, “See you around.” Then, he left, walking across the pitch through the bright afternoon sun, his hands in his pockets and his head turned down. 

Lily didn't follow, she simply sat down in the grass and cried.

**

James wasn't let out of the hospital for a whole week and Lily didn't go to see him until the very last day of his stay. She slipped into the wing early on Sunday morning and was waved through by Madam Pomfrey, who had a very happy smile on her face as Lily walked past.

She moved around the thin grey curtain and spotted James, sitting up in his bed with his head lolled back and his eyes wide open.

“James?” She said softly and his head snapped forwards, “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” He answered, shrugging, “Where have you been?”

“I, um,” She sighed and shook her head slowly, “I don't really want to talk about it.”

“I know about you and Moony,” He told her, leaning forwards until his elbows landed on his knees, “I was just wondering where you'd been.”

“Around,” Lily laughed, “Class and stuff. School doesn't stop just because James Potter is out of commission.”

“Funny,” James said with a smirk, “I thought it did.” He patted the edge of his bed, “C'mere. Tell me what's wrong.”

“You know what's wrong, James,” Lily said, ignoring his plea for her to sit by him and leaning against the small table at the end of his bed instead, “I'm sad. That's all.”

“Was he rude to you?” James asked and Lily saw his fists clench, “When he broke it off?”

“No,” Lily said quickly, “This is Remus we're talking about.”

James nodded slowly, “Why? He's completely infatuated with you,” He paused and cleared his throat, “He had you, why would he end it?”

“He didn't tell you?” Lily asked and nerves bubbled in her gut. She would have to, now, because if she didn't James would assume that Remus had been awful to her and that she was protecting him.

“No,” James said and pulled at that damn lock of hair again, “He just said you two were done. That he had ended it. He mentioned it in passing, basically.”

“Really?” Lily asked, surprised, Remus really did want her to talk to James about everything. He really did believe they had some 'soul-mate thing' going on.

“Yeah,” James shrugged, “It was weird. Why, though? Tell me, Lily.”

She sighed and looked down, focusing on running her fingertips across the table's smooth surface, “He said he didn't want to be in competition with you anymore.”

“We weren't in-” 

“I know,” She cut him off, “That's what I told him. But he said-” She stopped and took a deep breath, “He said that we had something he couldn't touch. Said that no matter how much he tried, it would always be you for me.” 

James was silent and when she looked up at him he had the most tender, elated look on his face, “Do you agree with him?” 

That was the question she had been dreading. What was she supposed to say? Yes, James I think I may be completely smitten with you. That was an option, one that was truthful, but then what? She couldn't just jump into a relationship with him right away, despite whatever it was she felt for James her heart still ached at the thought of not having the easy companionship that came with being with Remus. If she were to agree to date James; their whole relationship would be unpredictable and crazy and passion filled. She would have no semblance of control whatsoever, neither of them would. They would be a time bomb, just waiting to explode and hurt everyone around them. But, in truth, Lily thought that she was willing to risk that.

“Lily?” He asked softly, “Do you?”

She opened her mouth to answer, but all that came out was a soft sigh, a wheeze really, “I don't know, James.” She pushed her hair back, “I've just broken up with Remus and Merlin it hurts. But-” She stopped and mentally prepared herself. You can do this, Evans. Say it. “I can't deny that there's something between us anymore.”


	8. Chapter Eight

Lily, once again, found herself in the library, in her secluded back corner. Only this time, she was far from alone. She had Alice next to her, poring over a Charms textbook and Marlene on her other side, twirling her quill wildly around in her ink pot. Then, there was Sirius across from them, his head in his hand as he stared blatantly at Marlene with a small smile on his face.

"Sirius?" Lily asked with a giggle and his head shot upwards, sending her a glare. "How's your studying coming?"

"Fine, thanks," he muttered, turning his face back down to his textbook and beginning to read with a look of intense concentration on his face, Lily suspected the look was just for show, though.

James sat next to him, across from Lily, and had his long legs stretched far out so that the tips of his trainers were just touching the underside of her flats. With slight annoyance she nudged at his toes with the flat of her foot. He looked up and offered her a smirk she rolled her eyes at. She and James had not had any further conversation after he had left the hospital wing, but the constant tension had been driving her up the wall. She had acknowledged there was something between them and then ran off, bright red and more embarrassed than she could ever remember being.

Two and a half weeks had passed since then and everything had sort of fallen back into a natural rhythm. The Marauders spent the majority of their time with the girls studying for the upcoming exams. James and Sirius had gotten back to playing pranks and Lily found that she and Remus were closer friends than ever. Peter had, as usual, dug into his schoolwork with a fiery passion and had refused their offer for study help, saying that he studied better without distractions. He was holed up on the other side of the library, poring over a Herbology textbook to prep. Admittedly, he wasn't the smartest student - most of the time wouldn't pass without Remus' help - but he tried and Lily liked him for that reason.

However, just because things were running smoothly with the Marauders and their female counterparts, didn't mean everything else was fine as well. The Dementor's seemed to be acting of their own accord; leading Dumbledore to set up thick wards around the school grounds to keep them out.

Across the table, Sirius leaned forwards suddenly, casting his eyes across the row of girls. "So, who do you think is controlling the soul-suckers?" He had a look of amusement and curiosity on his face.

That was when Mary and Hestia appeared behind him. The latter swiftly smacked him across the back of the head, dropping down into the spare chair beside him. "Really?"

He rubbed his skull absently. "What was that for?"

Mary sat down in between Marlene and Hestia, sending Sirius a look that she was famous for. It clearly said: you have got to kidding me, how thick are you?

"You're being rude, Sirius," Alice said softly, pulling her face up from her book. "It's inconsiderate."

Sirius sighed with all the drama of a twelve year old girl and flopped backwards in his chair. "I just want to know what you think!"

There was a sharp hissing and they all jumped, looking back over at the librarian, who had her index finger pressed to her lips. "Quiet! You are in a library."

"Sorry," Lily said, and they all leaned together. "Well, who do you all think it is?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Hestia said suddenly, "It's Death Eaters. It's got to be!"

"Since when do you believe in all those stories?" Marlene snorted. "It's just a regular run of the mill psycho."

"Regular run of the mill psycho?" Mary hissed, "With the fingerprints of dead witches and wizards? This is some dark magic, guys. Dark."

Lily's eyes met James's and she remembered the conversation they had had that day, about a looming war. "I agree with Hestia." James smiled, his dark eyes showing his agreement. "I think-" She stopped and shook herself. "I think we're on the brink of war or something."

Beside her, Alice shuddered. "What if we are? How are we supposed to deal with that? I mean, people are already dying. What if the body count just keeps going up?"

"The ministry will get it under control," Remus said softly, but even then, his voice didn't show complete confidence in his words. "They will, right James?" He cast a sideways glance at James, who frowned uncertainly.

"I don't know," James admitted. "They have no leads, other than the bloody Death Eaters and nobody really knows anything about them."

"What about their leader?" Sirius asked. "Isn't he just some young guy? Voldemort, or something just as ridiculous?"

"If he really has managed to get so many followers," Lily murmured, "How? None of us could do it, no matter how confident and sure of our cause we were. Who could actually round up a whole crowd of people and convince them that anyone who isn't a pureblood is scum? Who could gather so much support they could start a war?"

They all jumped as the bell rang and they slowly pulled themselves from the warm huddle they had created for themselves. Alice slipped around Lily, pulling her bag onto her shoulder and murmuring something about having to talk to a teacher before class.

Marlene caught Hestia's arm and asked for a walk to the common room while Mary hung by Lily's side.

"Do you think Alice'll be alright?" Mary asked. "She's so sensitive. I don't want her to be upset or worried about all of this."

"We should be worried," Sirius said, leaning his chair back on two legs, making no attempt to move. "People need to pick camps. Either they believe it'll happen or they believe it won't."

"I'm guessing you believe it won't?" Lily asked, raising an eyebrow and stuffing her Potions book into her bag. "Going off of your nonchalance."

"No," Sirius shrugged. "It's happening. People are going to die and things are going to happen. But we'll be ready for it. We'll be ready for it all. We'll fight. We'll win. And, we'll all live happily ever after."

Lily was about to retort something quickly back but Mary interrupted her: "You think?"

Sirius sent her a smile. "Of course."

Mary laughed then and shook her head. "I have to go; I'll see you all later." She scurried off, disappearing through the shelves and presumably out the door.

Remus pushed himself from his seat. "We'll all be fine. We'll have to be."

Lily looked at him and smiled. He smiled back and walked around behind James to grab Sirius by the back of his loose hanging tie and pull him off of his chair.

"Oi!" Sirius yelled, flopping around for a moment before popping up. "What was that for?"

"If you don't get to Transfiguration today, you'll fail your exam," Remus pointed out, grabbing his friend's wrist. "Come on."

They pushed and pulled out of sight and then Lily was left alone with James, who was staring at her again.

"James, I-" She started, but he held up a hand and rounded the table to stand in front of her. "James, I mean it-"

"I know you do," he said. "You think you'll hurt Remus' feelings. You think you're not ready," he paused and smiled, "You're terrified and-" He chuckled and pulled at his hair. "Bloody hell, Lily so am I. But, I respect you. You know that, right? If you say no I'll back off."

"I've said no before, James," Lily laughed. "Several times if I remember."

"None of them were as important as this one," James said, and Lily realised it was true. "Because neither of us meant anything serious by it. But, now?" He lifted his arms in a soft gesture, "Now it means a lot. A whole lot. And I'm willing to wait until you're ready."

Lily looked down and laughed again. "I never thought this would be a possibility."

"Why?" James asked, "You thought that I'd have to change for you?"

Lily's head shot up. "No! Of course not. James, you're the same person you were. I've changed," she said, her jaw set, "But not for you or for Remus. For me. The things that began at Christmas, well, they've changed me."

James chuckled, "No, you're still you; your feelings about everything have just changed." He huffed softly, "Now, enough of this. Walk you to Charms?" He held his arm out for her in a mock display of propriety. "You once said private gentlemanly displays didn't count."

She laughed and nodded, sliding her arm through his. "Now you're getting the hang of it."

Exams went by quickly and soon, Lily was standing at the foot of her bed stuffing her robes down into her trunk and trying in vain to get the latch to close. She was wearing muggle clothes, a luxury she had missed. While the robes made her feel like a witch, in truth, there was nothing better than a comfortable pair of jeans and a jumper.

Finally, she got the latch shut and slumped against it, sighing with relief. Behind her, the dorm door opened and Lily turned around, finding Marlene standing there in her own street clothes - a nice black skirt with a simple blue t-shirt.

"Ready?" She asked, looking at Lily's bulging trunk. "Wow. I think you're leaving with more than you came with."

"Ha ha," Lily chuckled. "I bought my dad a hat in Hogsmeade that last weekend, remember? It's taking up more room than I thought."

"Why'd you buy him that?" Marlene asked. "Didn't you just see him at Easter?"

Lily had, in fact, seen her father at Easter. But it hadn't been a particularly pleasant visit, what with Petunia refusing to show up now that she lived with her new boyfriend, Vernon. Her father was upset the entire time and when he handed over her late Christmas present, he disappeared into his bedroom the second she finished opening it. It had been lovely – a pair of dangling golden earrings, and a jumper made of soft black material – but he had been in such a sour mood she had decided to push the entire visit from her memory.

"Yeah," Lily said with a shrug, "But I think he'll like it." She paused. "I need to get fetch Harvey from the Owlery, want to come?"

"No need," Marlene said. "Alice went and got him while you were packing. We're all ready now."

Lily swallowed hard and nodded, reaching over to grab her wand from her bed. "Alright, let's go home."

The hallways were swarming with people, meaning Lily struggled to keep beside Marlene, much less the others. But finally they were outside and gliding down towards the train, the thick summer air clinging to their hair and landing against their faces with each soft breeze.

The sun glared down between the thin layers of green leaves whispering against each other above Lily's head. She wished she had a few more moments – a few more days, even – to sit in the sun by the Black Lake and watch the water ripple. She just wanted more time to bask in the sun, to roll down her school socks and shuck off her jumper and robes and just lie in the heat in her blouse and skirt. But term was over and she was being sentenced to eight weeks with her overwhelmingly sad father and her absent sister and the pictures of her mother scattered over the walls and covering the mantle.

When they broke through the crowd Lily spotted the Gryffindor Head Girl, Louise, looking around with a sad expression, absently holding a compartment door open. She smiled at Lily, nodding softly, and Lily understood her sadness. Louise was graduating. She was now heading to wherever students went after their school lives ended and she was scared and sad; she was going to miss the things that "real life" didn't have. Lily understood because she knew that next year she would be feeling the same.

Lily heard her name being called out, loudly and desperately over the loud crowd noises that drifted over the platform. She stepped back, ushering the others through the door ahead of her, and turned around to look for the owner of the voice.

Then Severus Snape pushed through the crowd and caught her eye. He rushed forwards, lunging towards her and catching her wrist in his hand. "Lily, please, listen to me. He's planning something and they know. They all know-"

She yanked her hand from his. "I don't know what you're talking about and frankly, I don't care."

"Please, Lily," he begged, "I need your help. They know everything he's going to do-"

Intrigued, she asked, "Who?"

"Voldemort," he hissed, the word barely making it to her ears over the loud shouts on the platform. "The Death Eaters. They're a part of it. Mulciber. Rosier. All of them!"

"Whatever," she snapped, but her voice was shaking more than she wanted it to. She had no reason to trust him, but she did have reason to tell her friends and James, who would definitely tell his father about what Snape had said. "Have a nice summer."

She turned on her heel and went to move towards the train, but he caught her hand again and roughly pulled her back. She cried out, stumbling and falling against the outside of the train.

He stood there, looking angry, albeit slightly frantic. "You have to listen to me. Come on." Still holding her wrist he dragged her through the crowd to a small, empty space where the grass met the platform.

"Let go of me," Lily said, using her other hand to grab the handle of her wand, sticking slightly out of the pocket of her jeans.

"No-" Snape began to say, but was cut off by a voice from somewhere behind Lily.

"Wow," James said, "You're an even bigger git than I thought. She asked you to let her go, Snape."

"I'm not talking to you, Potter," Snape practically spat, "Get lost."

"I won't do that until you do what she says," James retorted calmly. "Not until I'm sure you're not up to anything funny."

Reluctantly, Snape dropped her wrist and took a small step away. "Better?"

"Much," James said, moving around Lily so his back was to her. "Now I can do this without hitting her by mistake." Then, James Potter lifted his fist and drove it into Severus Snape's face. The latter dropped, clutching his nose and crying out. "When a girl says no, it generally means no, you bloody idiot."

"James!" Lily cried out, rushing forwards to grab his arm in an attempt to avoid more violence, "What are you doing?"

"What I should have done a long time ago," he muttered, not moving his arm from her grip but also not turning to look at her. "Get lost, Snape."

Shaking, Snape stood and sent Lily the dirtiest glare she had ever seen cross his face. "You pick great friends."

"They're better than you," she whispered. "They're all better than you. When we were friends, we were a demented little group with no outside ties. It wasn't healthy. Then you ruined it for yourself. Leave."

He didn't say anything, just shook his head sharply and left, pushing past them and into the swarm of students surrounding the train.

James turned and looked at her then, moving closer until his face was close to hers. "Are you alright?" Softly, he pushed her hair from her face. "What did he want?"

"He was saying-" She stopped and turned her head away at his contact, then continued: "He was saying that Mulciber and Rosier – all of them – were a part of it. Then he mentioned Death Eaters and Voldemort."

"He's obviously full of it," James said dismissively, shrugging. "Was there anything else?"

"Just that he was planning something and that they knew," she said. "James what if he's not lying?"

"He's got to be," James insisted. "Why would a guy with that many followers want Mulciber? Or Rosier? They're bloody useless."

"It-" she stopped and shook her head, but then continued: "It gives him an inside source for the castle, James. Hogwarts is the largest stock of witches and wizards in the country. It makes sense."

"But them though?" James said, smoothing his hands out onto her shoulders. "I'll tell my dad. Will that make you feel better?"

She looked up at him and smiled. "Yeah, it would."

"Then I'll tell him," he smiled, "Okay?"

"Okay." She nodded. "I'm sorry, I'm just paranoid."

"We all are," he said with a shrug. "We're all freaking right out." Then, his eyes softened and he moved his hands to cup her face.

"James-" She started to say, but stopped when he froze.

"Lily?" He asked, "You can tell me no."

Lily didn't say anything, just sighed softly and stared at him, stared at those dark, intelligent eyes and that soft mouth; she stared at the tenderness he had on his face. The tenderness, she realized, he had whenever he looked at her.

That was when he leaned down and kissed her. It wasn't something she expected to want, nor did she expect to begin kissing him back with so much ferocity. Her hands slid up from his arm (which she had been firmly grasping since he punched Snape) to his hair, tangling in that dark mess as his palms glided down to the curve of her waist. She found herself absolutely fixated on the feel of his hair against her palms, running through her fingers. It was soft and thick and absolutely fantastic.

Then, the nagging voice in the back of her head piped up. Lily. What are you doing? You and James would be all over the place. You've been saying no to him for years. You and Remus broke up three weeks ago! You should still be upset, it's the rules! But, then he pulled her closer, closer, close enough that she was pressed flush against his chest. He gently pressed himself down against her mouth and her lips fell open underneath his. Just as she was shutting up that stupid, incessant voice, the train's whistle blew and she jumped, bracing her hands on his chest and shoving away.

James stared down at her with a confused expression on his face and then he saw the panic that had to be written on hers. "Lily. Don't. Please. Not now."

He knew her so well. Too well, the voice said. "James. I can't." With one last heavy look she was moving away.

"Lily. Please-" But she was already turning away, rushing through the crowd and forcing her way up the stairs and into the train.

She was going to be the death of him. James waited a moment, until he saw her disappear onto the train, and then pushed through the crowd, which parted for him once they realized it was James Potter with an angry look on his face that was nudging at their backs.

He moved onto the train and headed down the hallway to the compartment he normally shared with the others. When he got there, Sirius and Peter were gone, presumably to the compartment that now held Lily and Marlene and all of their friends. Inside on the long bench seat was only Moony.

James slid open the door, and with an absentminded hand-run through his hair, dropped into the seat across from Remus. He looked up and smiled as James came in, but the expression soon faded as the other boy saw the expression on his face.

"What's wrong?" Remus asked, setting aside the book he had been reading. "What happened?"

James cleared his throat, reluctant. Remus was one of his best friends – he broke up with a girl because he knew James loved her, for Merlin's sake! – but he didn't know if he wanted to tell him that he had just made out with said girl not ten minutes ago. No, make that five.

"Lily happened," James said hesitantly. "I kissed her and then she just kind of..." he trailed off, "panicked and ran off."

"James," Remus said slowly after a moment. "You know her; we both know her. She likes to be in complete control of her life and everything in it. You probably scared her."

"Scared her?" James barked. "I just kissed her!"

"That means more to Lily than it does to you," Remus said softly. "It's a big step in her mind; it changes everything."

"You think it didn't change everything for me too?" James snapped, leaning forwards as the train jerked into motion. "Moony, I've been in love with her since before I even knew what that meant."

"I know," He answered. "It's just-" He stopped, then tried again: "James. She knows the two of you would be off the charts. She's- she's had her heart broken before, James. Long before either of us kissed her, and it's made her extremely cautious."

"She thinks I would hurt her?" James asked. "I would never-"

"James, she was with me because I was safe," Remus cut in. "She thought it would be easy and fine between us. And it was, it was great and I actually miss it-"

"Then why'd you do it?" James nearly shouted as some last string inside of his chest snapped. The thought of Lily, crying and watching "gentle" Remus walking away just made him angrier than he could handle, "Why did you do that to her?"

"Because of this!" Remus answered, throwing his hands into the air. "Because you love her in a way that I will never be able to. You love her as if she is the last thing in the universe; as if she is the only thing in the universe – in your universe, anyway."

"Well, what am I supposed to do?" James sighed, his anger gone. He fell back into his seat. "What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"You get to choose," Remus said. "Wait for her. Wait until she's ready to not control everything or move on."

"That's an impossible choice," James snarled. "So; I either wait God knows how long for her or I try and make myself like someone else?"

"Yeah," Remus shrugged, "I guess."

"That's rubbish," James barked, but he knew Remus made a valid point. The thing was, what was he supposed to choose?

The row of her friends, who were all seated on the bench opposite her, looked very unimpressed.

"Are you kidding?" Marlene snapped, her arms crossed over her chest. "You ran away?"

"Remus and I just broke up and-" Lily started, but Hestia leaned forward with eyes that said murder.

"You broke up three weeks ago," Hestia pointed out, "And he broke up with you because he fucking wanted you to be with Potter."

"I know," Lily snapped. "It's just that, I don't know if I'm ready for this!"

"Ready for what?" Alice asked softly, "A relationship that makes sense? You and Remus were great, I realize that, but you and James would be fantastic. The entire bloody school has been waiting."

"We would be so unpredictable and I don't want to get hurt-"

Mary cut her off. "James Potter would rather break both of his arms than hurt you."

"Funny," Lily said, "I don't remember any of you saying this while we were fighting!"

"Because you would have been fucking pissed," Marlene growled, "but now you're emotionally compromised and we can shove logical information into your head."

"You're terrified of being vulnerable, Lily," Mary said firmly. "James knows you-" She shook her head and shrugged with a helpless expression on her face. "He knows you like no-one else does. We don't even know you like that. That terrifies you because everything would be real with him."

"Things have been real with the other guys I've dated!" Lily yelled. "You're telling me last year with Simon was superficial? I spoke at his mother's funeral!"

"No, we're not saying that," Marlene groaned, tilting her head back. "We're just saying that you and James have the potential to have something fantastic; you're too scared to let him in."

"I am not scared," Lily snarled. "I am the furthest thing from scared."

"You are the strongest person I've ever met, Lily," Alice admitted, "but you are. You're so strong you're scared of losing your strength. You're so wrapped up with being tough and controlled that the thought of losing that frightens you."

"That's wrong; that's not true," she argued helplessly, even though she knew it was. They spent the rest of the train ride in silence.

When they reached King's Cross the girls hugged Lily tightly and insisted on meeting up during the holidays, all of which she responded half-heartedly to. She collected her trunk and Harvey, who was sleeping soundly in his cage, and pushed through the crowd away from her friends to try and find her father. Her mind, however, kept slipping back to wondering where James was and thinking back to everything her friends had said.

Maybe they're right, she thought, dodging around a woman furiously hugging her daughter. I should find James.


	9. Chapter Nine

Lily pushed through the crowd until she found her father, who opened his arms for a hug that she was too distracted to give him. She put her bags at his feet and said something offhand, then skittered away, shoving through people and peering over heads for a glimpse of black hair. When she finally thought she saw him she moved swiftly forwards and broke through the line of people.

James was a mere ten feet from her; with his arms wrapped tightly around a pretty blonde girl who was squealing against his shoulder. He picked her up and shook her slightly, then set her back down on her feet. He left his hands on her shoulders and started saying something about how he hadn't expected her to be there. Lily didn't stay to hear the rest. She turned on her heel and left as quickly as she had arrived. 

How dare he kiss her and then twirl a girl around not four hours later! She had known that he could be a right prick but she never expected him to grab her face and- and kiss her like that. Only to grab a completely different girl and look at her in a way that- Lily shook her head and shouldered through the crowd. 

When she saw her father again he looked at her curiously but only asked, “So, how was your year?”

“Fine,” Lily answered, grabbing her rucksack and swinging it onto her shoulder. She scooped up Harvey's cage and her father latched onto the handle of her trunk, “Great.”

“That's good, sweetheart,” He smiled and leaned over to ran a hand over her hair, “Look, I'm sorry about what happened at Easter-”

“Don't worry about it, Dad,” Lily smiled back, forcing the happiness into her eyes and pushing away the growing doubt and anger, “It's okay. Tuney was just angry, she'll come around.”

“Of course she will, flower,” He answered, using the childhood nickname she had begged him to never utter again, “But there's something you should know.” He paused in front of the wall that would lead them back out into the Muggle world and Lily moved through first, bursting out smoothly into the hustle and oblivious bustle of ordinary folk.

“What's that, Dad?” Lily turned to watch him emerge from the wall, too and he shook his head.

“I'll tell you once you're settled,” He patted her arm, “Come on, love, I'm parked right outside.”

The drive back Lily's childhood home was a long one and she spent the majority of it sleeping against the window so she didn't have to think about James and the smile he had given that girl. She knew that if she said anything to her friends they would remind her that earlier that day she had rejected that same boy when he kissed her; that she didn't have any right to be jealous. Yet, she was and she was also angry and confused. Was she some girl that he had had a relationship with in the past? Was he finally going to move on from Lily, right at the time that she was thinking she had been wrong in always saying no? Their car stuttered to a stop and she jerked upright, reaching up automatically to smooth down her hair.

Her father gently patted her knee, “Come on, let's get you inside and unpacked.”

It took only one trip to move the entirety of her things into the house and once they were all in her bedroom she closed the door and leaned heavily against it. Her trunk lay open on her bed and the contents of her rucksack were sprawled across the floor. An ink pot, a quill, her textbooks, there were a few sheets of crumpled parchment, a pack of Muggle gum she had picked up in King's Cross before she left. She pushed it all to the side with her foot and gingerly removed the top layer of wrinkled clothing from her trunk.

Underneath lay the thin layer of moving magical posters she had brought with her from school. She pulled out the first, which showcased her favourite witch-only band and peeled it from the front of the one beneath it. There were still some traces of the sticking spell on the back of it and she pressed it into it's customary spot on her wall. Following that there were pictures of her and her friends- secured onto the cork board above her bed- and a few thick novels that were shoved onto her shelves. All of the clothing in her suitcase was thrown into the laundry room and soon her trunk was empty and all remnants of her magical year at school were hidden away amongst her Muggle home.

She spread out on her bed and stared up at the ceiling. Staring was not a good activity for Lily, because then the creative, intelligent grey mass of her brain started spouting crazy theories and confusing her in the worst possible way. So instead of lying in bed like a worried lump, she got up, changed and went for a run.

That was essentially how everyday of her first two weeks of summer vacation played out. She would wake early, eat breakfast and run all the way down to the lake. Roseville was situated against Sampton Lake and during the summer the water was surprisingly warm and still. Lily would wear her bathing suit down underneath her clothes and spend the entire day there, then run back home for dinner and sleep heavily into the night. It kept her busy and when she had time to think, she was so tired she could barely keep her eyes open. It was a good system, she thought.

**

Lily tightened her ponytail with a huff of breath and turned to leave, grabbing her towel from the end of her bed. That was when she heard the harsh knocking on the front door and her father's rushed steps down the stairs. She scurried to her bedroom door and pulled it open, standing in the empty space and listening.

“Petunia! Vernon!” Her father said brightly, “Come on in. How are you both?”

“Fine, thanks Dad,” Petunia's stiff voice floated up the stairs and Lily stiffened. Since when was her sister visiting? The last time they had seen each other hadn't ended well and she assumed Vernon Dursley hadn't changed his mind about Lily or “what she was.”

“Lily, dear,” Her father called up the stairs, “Come on down and see your sister!”

Lily took a deep breath and stepped out into the hallway, trotting down the staircase and pausing on the landing. She watched as her sister and Vernon got to the top of the entry hall's steps and Petunia turned with a blank expression towards her.

“Cheers, Tuney,” Lily chirped, “Hello, Vernon.” She nodded politely towards the large, pig of a man. His only response was to grunt and look away.

“How many times have I told you not to call me that?” Petunia wrinkled her nose, “It's childish.”

“Sorry,” Lily said slowly, “Anyways, I'll be off.” She lifted her towel off her shoulder, “Going down to the lake.”

“No, no, not today,” Her father appeared at the top of the steps with two bags in his hands, “Your mum's birthday's on Tuesday, Lily.”

“I know, Dad,” Lily said breathlessly, “Why does that affect whether or not I can go to the lake?”

“We've got to be a family,” He cleared his throat, “Everyone into the kitchen. I'll make breakfast.”

“I already ate,” Lily said softly, “Dad, we had eggs a half an hour ago.”

“We've already eaten too,” Vernon chipped in gruffly, “Stopped for some food on the way.”

“We told you that, Dad,” Petunia murmured, looking down to the ground.

“Right, right,” He said quickly, then lifted the bags slightly, “I'll just take these up then?” He hopped up onto the landing and disappeared up the steps.

“Have you even been paying attention, Lily?” Petunia snapped when he was out of earshot, “Dad's not doing well.”

“What do you mean?” Lily snapped, turning back to look at her sister, “What are you talking about?”

“He's becoming very forgetful,” Petunia said through tight lips, “God, you haven't even noticed, have you? Didn't he tell you?”

“Tell me what?” Lily hissed, “What the bloody hell are you on about?”

“He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's just after Easter,” Petunia huffed indignantly, “You're supposed to be taking care of him.”

“I didn't know!” Lily insisted, “He never told me! He-he mentioned telling me something when I got off the train, but I forgot to remind him about it...” She trailed off, “Alzheimer's? Really?”

“Yes, God, Lily, you don't pay attention to anyone but yourself!” Petunia shook her head quickly, “You come back from that disgusting school and only think about going back again when the fall comes! Then you wonder why I don't speak to you!”

Lily opened her mouth to argue but then her father was there behind her, arm looping around her shoulders, “So, what are we doing today?”

“I'm going to the lake,” Lily snapped, pushing past Vernon and Petunia. She hurried down the stairs and out the front door, slamming it harshly behind her. 

**

When she arrived back at the house it was only Petunia and Vernon sitting in the front room. Her sister stood as she entered but Lily ignored her, running up the stairs and pushing into the bathroom. 

“Lily!” Petunia thundered up the stairs after her as Lily slammed the door hard enough to shake the mirror hanging above the bathroom sink., “Lily, you upset Dad!”

“I upset Dad?” Lily screamed through the wood, slipping the lock into place with shaking hands, “What about Easter? What about the extreme lack of you at Easter?”

“That's different!” Petunia yelled, “I couldn't exactly bring Vernon here after what he had learned about you!”

“I'm not a bloody murderer, Petunia!” Lily retorted, yanking her hair down from its tie and letting it fall down onto her shoulders, “I'm a witch, not a rapist!”

“It's weird, Lily,” Petunia hissed, her voice dropping to almost a whisper, “Besides, that's not what we're talking about. You disappeared all day! Dad just wanted us to be together as a family.”

Lily yanked the door open, “We stopped being a family the day you left! We stopped being a family the moment you started dating that judgmental, rude, pig-headed man downstairs!”

“Mum would be disappointed in you, Lily,” Petunia said softly, “She really would be.”

“No,” Lily snarled, “She'd be disappointed that you became a racist bigot in her absence.” Petunia's eyebrows rose, “Please leave now.” With that as a goodbye, Lily slammed the door and listened as Petunia's footsteps disappeared down the stairs.


	10. Chapter Ten

Petunia left and didn't return. Lily sat, with wet washed hair dripping down her back, on the stairs for a long time, wondering if the door would open and Petunia would swoop in, claiming it was all a game; that Lily had imagined it all, and that they would always be a family, and Vernon was actually a very nice man who treated Petunia well. She never came, though, and Lily sat there until her hair was dry and curling around her face. She sat there until her father woke up the next morning and made his way downstairs. That was when she put on a brave face, curled up on the couch with a book and pretended she had just woken up. He made her eggs. He told her they had all missed her the day before. He kissed her forehead. 

Then he sat down across from her at the kitchen table, his we-need-to-talk frown in place, “Lily, I have Alzheimer's.” 

“I know, Dad.” 

“Lily, you have to help me remember,” He set his hand on hers and she absently pulled it away, dipping bacon in ketchup, she didn't like the feeling of having to tether to him to his memories. 

“I will, Dad.” 

“Lily, I don't want to forget your mother,” he said as he wrapped his hands around his coffee cup and stared at her, “I don't want to forget the important things.” 

“I won't let you forget her,” Lily murmured, “I promise.” 

“Tell me your favourite part about her,” he said, leaning slowly forwards, “Refresh me.” 

Lily dropped her fork, and, finally, looked at him. “I liked her singing. She was always off tune but she sung the prettiest melodies.” 

“I liked that too,” he said quietly, “I liked when she danced.” 

“She didn't have much of a natural rhythm, though, did she?” Lily answered with a smile, “I miss when she used to hold my hands and spin me around.” 

That was how they spent breakfast. They traded stories of the mother she lost and the wife he loved. That was how they began to spend all their breakfasts and Lily thought that that, just like her running, was a good system. 

One morning, a few weeks after the incident with Petunia, Harvey appeared at her window, squawking and tapping on the wood. Lily rolled out of bed with a groan and pulled open shutters, letting him soar in and land on the edge of her bed. She untied the letters from his legs and he flapped to the top of her wardrobe to begin cleaning his feathers. 

She flopped back onto her mattress with the letters in hand. The first was addressed to her in the impeccable, tiny writing of Alice. The contents told her of a letter from Frank Longbottom, who Lily never knew she liked. Apparently the boy had asked her if she would be willing to go on a Hogsmeade trip with him. There was a small mention of an invitation from James Potter that outlined a week at his family's large summer home by the water. Lily ignored it with foreboding building in her stomach and moved on to the next, which was from Marlene. The other girl wrote sloppily about the request of a date from Sirius Black and also mentioned the invitation from James. After that it was Mary, who wrote a very short blurb wishing Lily well and, too, mentioned the week at James' house. Lily pushed the three letters away and scooped up the next, which was so obviously from Hestia it almost made her laugh. It said bluntly in small block letters that James had invited all of them to his summer home for a week and that Lily should expect a letter.  

She glanced back on her comforter, where a last letter lay with her name written sloppily on the front. With a deep breath, she pulled the parchment from the envelope: 

 _Lily,_  

 

 _We're all getting together at Towndown House on the second last week of August to celebrate the summer. Please come. I shouldn't have just kissed you like that on the platform and I understand if you're confused or angry. But, I'm tired of dancing around. I can't do it anymore. I'm in love with you, but if you tell me to piss off, I will. I'm not going to change myself for you and I don't expect you to change for me. Come regardless of whether or not you return my affections. If we can't be together I want us to be friends._  

 

 _With love,_  

 _James_  

 

Lily took a moment to stare at the words swimming off the page at her. With shaking hands she slipped out of bed and stumbled to her desk, where she yanked a Muggle pen from a drawer and flipped James' letter over. She took a steadying breath. She was Lily Evans. Tenacious, kind to all. A Gryffindor. _I'll be there,_ she scribbled hastily, _As for the rest. You'll find out in August. But don't expect any theatrics. Your blonde friend is there for that._  

Wonderful, now she was angry and flustered, all thanks to stupid James Potter and his _stupid, stupid_ little blonde companion. She coaxed Harvey down from the wardrobe, rolled up the letter and then sent him away out the window with her theoretical fate attached to his leg. There was a knock at her door and her father's voice drifted in, asking if she wanted eggs. 

“Yes please,” Lily called back, pulling open the doors to her wardrobe and selecting a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. She changed quickly, pulling on her necessary undergarments and fitting the rest of the outfit overtop. She twisted her hair onto the top of her head and padded out into the kitchen, where her Dad was already flipping spitting bacon on the frying pan. 

“Dad?” She asked as she sat down at the table and tucked a foot underneath her, “Do you mind if I go to James Potter's place in August? There'll be a bunch of us going.” 

Her dad shrugged and then sent her a smile over his shoulder, “Sure, sweetie, I don't mind. I don't want you staying here all summer just because of me.” 

She smiled back, “Thanks, Dad. I'll call to check up on you while I'm gone.” 

“I know you will,” He said with a chuckle and turned back to the stove, “Now, breakfast!” 

Once they eggs had been cracked and flipped and cooked, they sat across from one another and spoke of her mother. They traded praise and shared things they didn't like about her as well. They told each other that they loved each other and then Lily disappeared to the lake. 

** 

James stared down at the letter in his hand, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. He kicked his foot out, catching the thigh of Sirius, who was spread out across the floor in front of the TV, and said with was most definitely _not_ excitement, “She said yes, mate.” 

“I'm not getting into this whole Lily and James business again, Prongs,” Sirius said slowly, “I know that she wasn't dragging you along -she's  too kind for that - butI I just don't want you to get hurt. I don't want either of you to get hurt, actually.” 

“What do you mean?” James asked, “She just confirmed she was coming to Towndon this summer. She didn't say anything about,” He paused, “The rest.” 

“Oh,” Sirius answered, then laughed, “She will though.” 

James sighed softly, “I know.” 

“Be careful. You know, if you do get together. You've been dancing around for so long, what if it's not what you expect it to be?” Sirius pushed himself to a sitting position and tugged a hand through his hair, “What if she doesn't like you like you think she does?” 

“This isn't about us, is it?” James asked suddenly, “This is about you asking out Marlene.” 

“No it's not,” Sirius answered quickly, shaking his head, “It's about you and Evans.” 

“It's about you and Marlene!” James laughed, vaulting off the couch to grab his friend in a headlock, “What are you even worried about? She's already agreed to go on a date with you!” James mussed up the other boys hair and then shoved him away, “She wouldn't have said yes if she didn't like you.” 

Sirius laughed, “Yeah, man, I know.” He pushed James hard on the shoulder, “Quidditch?” 

“Sure, but, there's one more thing,” James said, grabbing the letter from where it had fallen onto the sofa cushions, “She said something about a blonde friend. I don't get it.” 

“Did I hear something about Quidditch?” The voice came from the doorway, fully American and undoubtedly female. 

James turned around laughing, “Yeah, Beth, me and Sirius-” He stopped mid-sentence, nearly choking on the words, “Bollocks!” 

Beth's eyebrows rose to her hairline, her very _blonde_ hairline, “What?” 

James whipped around and grabbed Sirius by the shoulders, staring him in the face with pure panic written on his features., “Elizabeth's blonde.” 

“Yeah, so?” Sirius asked, looking absolutely terrified that his best friend's face was a mere few inches from his own. 

“Lily. The blonde friend,” James stuttered and realization dawned on Sirius' face, “She thinks I'm dating Beth! I kissed Lily! On the platform.” He trailed off, “The only way she would have seen me greet her was if she came looking for me. Bloody hell, I'm an idiot! She thinks I kissed her while I had some ties to another girl! Padfoot, I'm dead! I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm _dead._ ” 

“She doesn't know she's your cousin?” Sirius spat, bursting out into booming laughter, “You're such an idiot!” 

“Shut up!” James barked, “Shut up, you stupid twat! What am I supposed to do?” 

“What are you _talking_ about?” Beth snapped from the door, “An explanation would be beautiful, James.” 

He pushed to his feet and turned around, “I've told you about Lily?” At her nod he continued, “I kissed her, when we left for the holidays and she ran off. She must've come looking for me afterwards though, because she mentions a “blonde friend” of mine in her letter. She thinks I'm dating you.” He paused, brows furrowed, “Or something.” 

“You're so stupid,” She said softly, “You are such a complete idiot.” 

“I'm aware, Beth,” James snapped back, he paused and wrinkled his nose at her like a child, “And _you're_ annoying.” 

“Is she coming? In August?” Beth asked, leaning against the door frame. James nodded and she shrugged, “Then tell her everything.”

James nodded again, fear coiling in the pit of his stomach as the knowledge that it would not be quite that easy settled down onto him. 


	11. Chapter Eleven

July was moving steadily along, heading swiftly towards the first few weeks of August, when Lily got a depressing issue of The Daily Prophet in the mail. It was thicker and bulkier than she was used to and Harvey was so tired by the time he delivered it that he tucked his head underneath his wing right on the windowsill and took a nap. She unrolled the paper quickly and found, in big writing, a death proclamation. The article beneath it was no less cheery:  
  
Four wizards, all muggle-borns, were found dead in their homes on Tuesday morning. The first, Amelia Fenwick, left behind a seventeen year old daughter about to start her seventh and last year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The second two victims were a couple living in London with an infant son. They were found by the boy’s babysitter when she arrived to take the tyke to his daycare facility. The last two bodies belonged to former professors at both Durmstrang and Beauxbatons, both in England for holidays. All of the murder scenes were complete with the floating Dark Mark hovering ominously above the heads of the investigators. Is this “Lord Voldemort” more powerful than the Ministry is letting on? While no officials would speak to our reporters, who arrived on scene late Tuesday afternoon, head journalist, Sophie Skeeter, was available to provide her knowledge on the topic.  
  
“As a mother myself, my little Rita is about to turn eleven, I can safely say that this is a nightmare for parents everywhere. People are showing up dead faster than the Ministry can catch and interrogate suspects and-“  
  
Lily snorted with disgust, crumpling up the page and throwing it across the room. Sophie Skeeter was a disgusting excuse for a journalist, always twisting words and changing facts so that they suited her mindset. Lily pitied her daughter and had always hoped that she would grow into something much more honourable than the breed of journalist her mother had become.   
  
She tried her best to focus on her distaste for the Skeeter woman but her mind couldn’t stop revolving around the new murders. People were dying all over the country and an anonymous “Dark Lord” was taking all of the responsibility. He was rallying people to join his cause and there was extreme trouble brewing, Lily could feel it in her very bones. There was nothing worse, she decided, than knowing something horrible was going to happen, but being too young or too uninformed to do anything about it.   
  
The Ministry was useless, she was informed enough to know that. They were hardly putting any effort into properly informing the public about how to keep themselves safe and instead claimed that there was nothing to worry about, that the mob of Death Eaters that was slowly growing across the world was not a threat. They simply wanted to hush it all up, to keep people in a safe sense of security.   
  
That was never an appropriate solution, Lily thought, pushing away from her desk and adjusting her top. It was time for another one of her runs. It was the only way she could clear her head. It was difficult, with all of the topics of the moment taking control of her mind. First of all there were her feelings for James. She cared deeply for him. She refused to say she loved him because it seemed childish and immature, how was she to know whether or not she loved someone when she had had all of two meaningful relationships in her life? She was uncertain as to whether or not James was genuine too. He preached about loving her and wanting to be with her, but then a random blonde girl receives a very warm, happy welcome inside of his arms. She refused to say she was jealous; because she was stubborn and didn’t think jealousy was an attractive emotion on anyone.  
  
Then there was the terrifying and baffling topic of the countless murders spreading across the globe. She hadn’t heard anything else about the supposed DNA of dead wizards at the scenes, but she knew that James’ father was far more well-informed than she was and much more generous with his knowledge than any other Ministry employee. She didn’t know what to think. On one hand she wanted to curl up inside of her wardrobe with sweets and her wand and pretend that nothing was happening. But, on the other hand, she wanted to take a stand and take back the wizarding world from the monsters that wanted to make it homicidal.  
  
Then there was the issue of her father. Lily Evans’s life was a mess and she just wanted to wipe it all away and start over. However, that wasn’t an option, no matter how much power was stored in the wand that lay in the rucksack under her bed. So, instead, she went for a run.  
  
**  
  
The Daily Prophet was dropped down in front of James at the kitchen table. He looked up and watched Beth flop into the chair across from him, already dressed and ready to the face the day. He hated morning people. She looked somber, though, as he looked down to the front page of the paper. He pulled it towards him and swore violently when he saw the headline. He already knew what it would be about without reading it.  
  
He aggressively slid it onto the floor and the pages scattered across the tiles, “What the fuck is happening out there, Beth?”  
  
She gnawed on her bottom lip and brought her knees up to her chest, “I don’t know, James. But, I’m scared.”  
  
At that statement their age difference became much more apparent. Where James was on the brink of seventeen Beth had just turned fourteen. Of course she would be scared. She thought the world was crumbling down around her when she had previously believed that her family could keep it upright without breaking a sweat. He reached across the table and took her hand. She looked up and smiled softly.  
  
“We can’t even do anything,” She said brokenly, “We can’t even fix it because there’s no way of finding out who’s a Death Eater and who isn’t!”  
  
There were a few thumps and then James’ father appeared in the kitchen. He took one look at the papers on the floor and heaved a sigh, letting his eyes fall on the two distraught teenagers at the table.  
  
“Who wants breakfast?” He asked, pushing a smile onto his features, “Eggs?”  
  
“I already ate,” Beth said slowly, pulling away from the table, “Thanks, though.” She scurried off, running up the stairs and slamming into her bedroom with so much force James was surprised that the door didn’t fly off of its hinges.  
  
“She’s scared,” James said, staring down at the wooden tabletop, “She’s terrified.” He paused, “Hell, so am I.”  
  
“The Ministry will take care of things, James,” His father gently ruffled his hair, “It’ll be alright.”  
  
“What if it’s not?” James snapped, staring up at him, “What if this guy really is the strongest wizard on the planet? Who could possibly stop that?”  
  
“They say he’s the strongest,” His father said slowly, “But if that’s true then he’s also the most evil.”  
  
“So?” James snapped, “That makes it worse, doesn’t it?”  
  
“Maybe,” The answer was slow and the smile on his father’s face bewildered him to no end, “Or maybe it makes it better.” He touched James’s face lightly, “Love and good will always triumph over evil, James. In the end, that’s how it works.”  
  
James paused and his eyebrows folded themselves inwards above his eyes. His dad had always been there for him, ever since his mother died. He had never lied to James, or exaggerated details to make him feel better. If his dad was confident the Ministry could take care of it, then he was right.   
  
James nodded, a smile on his face, “You’re right. This guy won’t get very far.”  
  
“Of course,” His father patted his head gently and moved past him to the stove, “So, eggs?”  
  
“Yes, please,” James answered, leaning back in his chair as a sense of ease fell over him. The Ministry would take care of everything. This crazy wizard would be stopped and everyone could go on living their lives. Everything would go back to normal. He was sure of it. No one he loved would die.  
  



End file.
